


tant je t'aime que j'en tremble | wolfstar

by angeldenbrough



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Choking, Dom/sub Undertones, Enthusiastic Consent, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sirius Black Loves Remus Lupin, background jily if you squint, period typical internalized homophobia, slowburn, they are so oblivious lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:33:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24576856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angeldenbrough/pseuds/angeldenbrough
Summary: ❝ 𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘭𝘦 ❞3+ years of pining for each other resulting in a late night, emotional confession. And this is the story of the week that leads up to that confession, and the confession itself.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 20
Kudos: 73





	tant je t'aime que j'en tremble | wolfstar

**Author's Note:**

> i binge watched all of the movies in one day, since i’ve reread 3 of the books in quarantine (i’m just starting the 4th one as i publish this!) and also i saw a fancast of james mcavoy as remus lupin and got so emo i fell apart so, i watched the movies again. writing the british dialogue was fun, but, writing my favourite ship of all time was funner! wolfstar is really something that can be so personal....
> 
> this is my first work in the harry potter fandom even though i’ve been in it since i was like 8; i mostly just write for IT
> 
> title is from one of my favourite poems of all time, nous dormions ensemble par louis aragon. in case you were wondering.
> 
> 06/24 update: received a few comments about spacing, so i edited it and spaced the paragraphs out so they weren’t as long, and hopefully easier to read c:

Remus Lupin had a problem, well, he had several problems but; his main problem as of right now was: he couldn’t help but notice how pretty his friend Sirius Black was. He was pretty in the ways that girls were supposed to be, he caught his attention in the way girls were supposed to. He noticed things about him that he was supposed to notice about girls, he made him feel things that girls were supposed to make him feel- or, so he thought. He’d been raised and brought up to expect that from girls, he was expected to grow up and like girls. But, he supposed that nothing in his life had stayed according to plan so, why would this be any different. He’d never been a stranger to being different, being different was somewhat of a regular occurrence in his life. And, if finding Sirius pretty made him different, maybe being different wasn’t so bad in this case. He used to hate himself for thinking such things about him, because all they were supposed to be was friends. But, as he grew older, he became easier on himself. Sirius made him happy, so, he thought why should he make himself miserable over being happy. For the time, liking your same sex friends wasn’t normal, but, he’d gotten pretty okay at adjusting to not being normal. But, in a way, by allowing himself to be himself, and to fancy who he fancied (Sirius), and not guarding his thoughts; liking Sirius became his new normal.

But, just because he didn’t hate himself for it anymore, didn’t mean that it was any less of a problem. And, this was a current problem, but, it was by no means new. Remus had never met anyone quite like Sirius, how could be not be fascinated by him? He was such a complex person, there was so much to him- and Remus wanted to discover as much as he possibly could, as much as Sirius would allow him to. He was a Black, and on the surface he acted like one. He was cocky, arrogant, and had a similar sort of strut that was much like Jame’s. He had the opulence, taste, class and flare for the dramatic that such an upbringing would give him; the things you’d expect from a Black. And that’s how people who didn’t know him very well saw him, he was a Black on the surface, so that’s how they knew him. He played his part well, but, those who knew him well knew that it was just a part. And Remus knew that better than anyone, he could see through that facade better than anyone. And, he considered himself very lucky to see the real Sirius, when all the smoke faded and the mirrors were shattered. He wasn’t Sirius Black to his friends, he was just Sirius. You’d never know he came from ‘The Noble House of Black’ if you were his friends. The real Sirius was the Sirius that Remus had fallen in love with. The Sirius that swore awkwardly in french whenever he tripped, the Sirius that laughed until butterbeer came out of his nose, the Sirius that would hold him while he cried and listened to every one of his tear filled rantings, the Sirius that would let his guard down every once in a while and cry with him, the Sirius that remembered all of his friend’s birthdays, the Sirius that remembered which type of tea was Remus’ favourite. 

That was the Sirius he’d fallen in love with, a million times over. Sirius was something special, especially in Remus’ eyes. You’d never knew that he came from a family who’s motto was ‘Toujours Pur’. He hated most Slytherins, and the culture of what it meant to be ‘Pureblood’. In fact, he wore the term ‘blood traitor’ as a badge of honour, and took pride in it. He took it as a compliment every time his mother or his cousins would turn their noses up at him. He and James didn’t behave like purebloods, and that’s one of the things he loved most about the both of them. Sirius was just so different, he was so alluring. There was an edge to him, but, it wasn’t sharp enough to draw blood. It was enough to cut your fingers on, and fuck did Remus want to run his fingers across that edge. He listened to Muggle bands, he spoke french, he made breaking all the rules look so good, and yet, he was also so kind. His kindness was the reason his edge wasn’t sharp. He was so empathetic, he was so giving, he was so loyal, and above all: he was a great friend. His friendship was different than any other friendship he’d ever experienced. He considered Lily his best friend, and he knew Sirius considered James his best friend. And yet, he felt closer to Sirius than he felt to Lily, and he knew that Sirius felt closer to him than to James. Their friendship was different. Sirius saved him a seat next to him in the great hall every day, which he didn’t do for James. People always compared Sirius and James to brothers, because they were so inseparable. Wherever James went, Sirius went; and vice versa. But, the same could be said for Remus. Wherever Remus went, Sirius was not far behind; and vice versa. But, no one ever said that they were like brothers. They were different. Remus giggled around Sirius, whereas he only laughed around Lily. They were best friends but... different. It had always been that way. Sirius made him feel giddy, Sirius was different. He was the one who suggested the idea of becoming animangi so Remus didn’t feel so alone- an action Remus still thought about every day. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him, and he somehow knew that it would always be the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him- forever. Nothing could top it. It was epitome of loving him despite his flaws, it was a type of love he felt he didn’t deserve, and yet Sirius still gave it to him. 

It was a friendship kind of love, but still, Remus treasured it very much. Thinking about it never failed to release a swarm of butterflies in his stomach; his heart swelled at the thought of it. But, then again, he always felt as though his heart could start a riot at the mere thought of him. What he and Sirius had was different, their friendship was unconditional- and that unconditionality went both ways, and would never have any exceptions. They needed each other, and that went both ways. Remus had no idea to what extent Sirius’ need for him was, but, he knew that he needed him. That’s one of the reasons Remus didn’t like his crush on him, he didn’t want to ever lose his friendship with him by confessing to him. He knew, or rather, he thought, that if he ever confessed to Sirius, he’d lose his friendship with him. They were both two deeply troubled boys, with their own separate issues; and they helped each other pick up the pieces. He couldn’t bare to lose him. There was no point in confessing; it posed such a great level of risk with no chance of a reward. Sirius was great, and Remus knew that someone so great could never love him.

But, just because he had told himself time and time again that he’d never love him back in the way that he loved him; that didn’t stop him from daring to dream, daring to notice him. Sirius was very much an escape for Remus. To be a lovesick puppy, was a nice escape from being a werewolf. By nature Remus was a very, very, anxious person, who was nervous quite often. Wether it was nervousness over school, or the impending fear and doom that washed over him like a tidal wave during the approaching days leading to a full moon; Sirius helped him quite a lot. Both intentionally and inadvertently. Wether it was with his kind words, his support, or, sometimes Remus took the greatest comfort in just his presence. His presence was warm, and almost cozy in a way. He made him feel same, he made him feel protected even though Sirius didn’t always know it. His eyes had the most comfort for him. They were so warm, their warmness was a complete juxtaposition to their blue colour and icy cool grey undertones. Remus could get lost in his beauty, and lose himself in the small intricacies of his beauty. Like the expressiveness of his brows, and the way you could read his face like a book; because he always showed and said exactly what he was thinking. Or, his lips, Remus liked his lips quite a lot. 

He could captivate himself with the dark pinkish hue of them, or the curves and angles of his cupid’s bow, or the way his bottom lip was plumper than his thin upper lip. God, did Remus want to kiss those lips. He’d often dream about one day getting to. He’d catch himself staring at his lips a lot, wether that be in conversion or while eating. Luckily, Sirius never caught him staring, or, was just to polite to call him out on it if he did catch him. And if the ladder was true, he couldn’t thank him enough. Or, he’d just be mesmerized by how perfect his skin was. Sirius’ face was slim, and his features were striking and angular but, nowhere near as gaunt as his younger brother’s were. His skin was so pale, but he had a dusting of colour on the apples his cheeks. His skin was so perfect too, so placid and almost glass like. Remus always had a certain appreciation for that, it was an appreciation that was laced with a tinge of envy. He was covered in scars, and the ones he hated the most were on his face. Sirius was just so flawless looking, and always looked so perfectly polished, effortlessly- without even trying. Remus had a hard time believing he was real most of the time. From the way his hair swished behind him as he walked to the way he smelled of strawberries, Remus loved everything about him. Remus was enamoured with him, to say the very least. He walked with a level of arrogance and importance, like, he knew how handsome and cunning and smart he was. Though, his arrogance was nowhere near to the level of James. They were similar but, Sirius was all his own. He was so different, he was so unique. He was everything Remus believed he himself was not, he was a wonder to behold, and Remus considered himself lucky to be able to behold him. 

To him, he was a work of art, and Remus was happy enough just to be a visiter in his museum. He could admire for now, that was enough; that was privilege. He thought he was nowhere near a masterpiece, and he never had a chance of Sirius ever looking at him that way. He was a canvas that was far too ripped, far too tattered and torn to be viewed that same way. He knew Sirius would never see him that way, and he would never want to be with him. But, that didn’t stop himself from wondering what it would be like; what it would be like to be his. His dreams had no limitations, and didn’t have to be defied by what he thought was logical, and what had a high probability of happening. If he couldn’t have Sirius, the least he could do was let himself wonder. He’d wondered how it would feel to hold his hand, or, run his fingers through his deep black hair. Oh, he was sure that it was as silky and smooth as it looked. As he walked through the busy, bustling halls of Hogwarts, he’d noticed the couples. He’d noticed them more as he got a bit older, when you’re a First or Second year, you don’t really notice things like that, the older students are far to scary to ever be interesting. He noticed that sometimes couples would walk down the hallways holding hands, and the boy would carry the girl’s books. Which, was another thing that made it so hard to want to confess to Sirius. He’d never seen another gay couple before, especially at school. There was something scary about being the first. Remus had always found that, and, he’d always tried to stray from the scarier things in life, when he could of course. Being a werewolf made that a bit difficult most of the time. And other times, he’d see couples, and they’d kiss each other good bye on the way to class or they’d sit on the hallway’s benches and kiss. And when he and his friends went to Hogsmeade in third year, he’d see couples there as well. He’s see couples go to places together, and he’d see couples buy each other things. As he got older, he really wanted to do things like that with Sirius. He wanted to go places with Sirius as his boyfriend, not as his friend. And, receive gifts from him as his boyfriend. ‘To my friend, Remus’ on gift tags at Christmas or on his birthday stung a bit as he got older, he wanted it to say, ‘To my boyfriend, Remus’. And he wanted to be able to give gifts to Sirius as his boyfriend too, and be able to hold his hand in public. He wanted that so badly. But, as he grew much older his mind... wandered. His mind drifted a bit from the path of purity his fantasies always followed. Of course, he still wanted the cliche things, like Sirius carrying his books to class or buying him heart shaped candies. But, he’d begun to want more, he’d begun to want different. He’d begun to wonder how it would feel to do... other things. He wanted to touch him, and have Sirius touch him too. Sometimes he just couldn’t help but touch himself, and close his eyes and pretend it was Sirius touching him in a such a way. He didn’t just want to run his fingers through his hair as they kissed, he wanted to pull at his hair as he slid into him deep, as he made him scream over and over. 

He wanted this so, so badly. He made him weak in more ways than one, he made him want things he’d never wanted with anyone else. He loved him so much, so much so that it was almost self destructive. Because, whenever he’d think these things, and think about him- he always had to beat himself up. And, always make sure he knew he’d never have a chance. He didn’t want any false hope to fester inside of him, because it there was hope he could get his heart broken. But, at the same time, he wanted to have hope. Sirius was worth getting heart broken. If to live was to love, Sirius was worth dying for. It was funny, in a weird way, in an ironic way. It was funny because, he had feared the things that adorned to the sky at night since he was a child, and yet, there he stood, in love with a man named after the stars.

Tonight was one of those particular nights, where he just couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. He couldn’t stop staring at him, he couldn’t help but get lost in him from across the common room. Sirius’ smile lit up the room far more than any candle or any chandelier ever could, though they still were there. Remus thought they paled in comparison. Though he sat studying charms with Lily, he quickly lost interest in the words on the old drab pages of his textbook. His attention lied elsewhere, and Lily knew that. How could something like that hold his attention away from Sirius, things like that used to, but not anymore. Especially when he was nearly right in front of him. The way his laugh sounded, the way his eyes sparkled, his blue eyes were still so captivating even though they were feet apart from him. The way his deep voice called out to James, Remus was lulled by his voice every time he spoke, getting lost in the tremors. Oh, he was reaching for his hair tie around his wrist now. He bunched his hair together, and mindlessly put it up into a bun, off of his neck. His green eyes flickered and followed every movement he made. It was done so absently, so without thought, and still it looked great. His hair out of his face drew attention to his pale skin, his sharp jaw and angular cheek bones, he was so pretty; and fuck, he knew it too. He knew it in that moment, in all moments. His burgundy lips pulled into a smirk, his signature smirk. And fuck, did Remus want to kiss those lips. “You’re doing it again,” Lily’s kind voice called out to him, speaking as lightly as her tapping on his shoulder to get his attention. “Remus?” She called to him again, and he felt his cheeks grow hot. 

He wasn’t embarrassed that he’d been caught staring, or that he’d been caught staring at Sirius- especially by Lily. Lily was his best friend, and she knew about his feelings for Sirius. Hell, she knew before Remus even knew. He’d told her officially last year, in fifth year. Though, she had her suspicions in fourth year, and as early as third year. She never told him that though, she respected that this was the time that he felt comfortable telling her, so, in her eyes, the clock reset to then and started at that moment. She felt really honoured and special that he’d chosen her, and only her, to share such a big part of his life. And that feeling of specialty was reciprocated. Remus felt lucky to have someone as trustworthy and kind that he could bare his soul to; though it was hard, he was glad he did it. He knew Lily would never turn her back on him if she knew his feelings for Sirius, but internalized homophobia clouded his thinking. He was worried someone else could see him the same way he once saw himself. And ever since he told her on that rainy evening in fifth year, she had been his safe haven, for all his ranting and ramblings about his feelings for Sirius. 

She was a support system he needed, and she was a support system that he treasured. She never judged him, and he never felt embarrassed talking to her about things like that. He was just embarrassed that this was becoming a very regular pattern for him. She always caught him staring, but, Remus always figured it was better her catching him, than Sirius himself. He smiled sheepishly, and replied nervously. His heart was beating rapidly now. “Sorry. I um... I just got...” His apology sounded genuine, and he spoke like his gaze and attention would never lie elsewhere ever again- though Lily knew that wasn’t true, and didn’t expect that. He tried to string a sentence to explain himself, but, he knew he was caught red handed and Lily knew what he was doing. He didn’t need to explain himself to her, her knowing smile reinstilled that to him every time. His sheepish smile changed to a thankful one, and Lily could tell the difference, she was intuitive that way. She had an emotional intelligence Remus had never found in another soul, she really was one in a million. Her green eyes met his, and they radiated compassion for him. Her eyes were a darker green than his; hers were more of an emerald effervescence, and his were a stark peridot. She closed her book, and reached over to close his, both of them shutting with a quiet clap. She rested both her elbows on the table and held her face in the support of her hands. The oil lamp that was resting on the table illuminated her face, and the golden reflects of light shined, and illuminated the amber highlights of her hair, and the lowlights of auburn. The light and her enthusiasm on her face brought attention to her beauty, Remus knew why James was so mad for her. “So, Sirius Black...” She said as though it was an announcement, her enthusiasm was evident in her voice, but, her voice never raised above a whisper. Which, was something Remus was always grateful for when they were talking about him. His cheeks heated up now, already getting flustered though she had said nothing. “What about him?” He asked, trying to play coy and play clueless but his stutter immediately gave him up, and called his bluff for him. “You have a chance with him, you know.” She said matter of factly, as if there wasn’t a single doubt in her mind that what she said was the truth. He couldn’t help but laugh at her delusion, but, cling to the hope that her words gave him. He never let himself believe any of the things that she said to him that were similar to that. She knew what his laughter meant, and was disheartened that he didn’t believe her. 

She wished, more than anything, that he could be kinder to himself. She wished he could see the good in himself, that many others; especially Sirius, saw in him. “He stares at you the same way you do to him, I swear it.” She told him, her certainty was unwavering. Remus knew Lily would never lie to him, she was way too good of a friend to do that. She clearly thought that this was the truth; and that this is what she interpreted the reality of their situation to be. But, Remus did not see it the same way. He laughed again, and shook his head at what he thought was her folly. “Not a chance in hell that he does.” He denied, but, he couldn’t help but feel a smile tug at his doubting lips, just at the sheer possibility that maybe there was a chance. Lily saw that spark of hope, and wanted to fan those flames until it became a fire. “Ever notice how... he makes excuses to touch you? Ever notice that he always has to be sitting next to you when you guys all hang out together? No ifs, ands or buts. Ever notice how he only ever asks you to pass him plates at meals, and how your hands always ‘accidentally’ touch when you hand it to him.” She replied, cocking her eyebrows at him, signalling that it was his move. She knew he knew that she was right, and he couldn’t deny that that was real. Sure, he could make excuses for it, but, he couldn’t outright deny it. And that’s exactly what he did. “Th-That’s just Sirius being Sirius,” He explained, trying to rationalize it to her, but, more so himself. 

His voice was quivering ever so slightly. She was wearing him down, and she could tell. And, that terrified him, for so long, Sirius had always been Remus’ forbidden fruit. A fruit so forbidden, in fact, he didn’t even allow himself access to his garden. It was very overwhelming, to hear someone else voice his thoughts. Sure, her words echoed some of his inner most theorizing, but, he always tried to kill those thoughts as soon as they arose. He would dismiss them as him overthinking or him misinterpreting things, or, as he said, ‘just Sirius being Sirius’. But, if Lily saw these things too, maybe they were real, and rooted in truth. But, even so, Remus could never let himself believe her words, as convincing as they might have been.

Lily hated how Remus never gave himself a fighting chance at happiness, and always had to deny himself, and always tried to talk himself out of things. He never let himself have anything, and, it saddened her. He knew that Remus had genuinely talked himself in circles, to the point where he convinced himself that it really was, Sirius being Sirius; and that saddened her too. But, it wasn’t too difficult for Remus to talk himself into that circle. Not many boys in their year, or their school in general, did the same things that he did. Not many boys grew their hair out, and not many boys were comfortable putting their hair in buns either. Not many boys put as much effort into their appearance as he did; they didn’t spend as much time picking out clothes or styling their uniforms in a way that they liked like he did. Sirius was very comfortable in himself, and in being himself. So, it really wasn’t a stretch for Remus to just assume this was another case of Sirius just being comfortable enough in himself and in his masculinity to be touchy feely with his friends. Any outsider looking in, knew that it was more than that- or, could have a funny feeling that it was. Lily knew that it would be hard to make Remus believe he had a chance with a boy that he had put on a pedestal for years, but, she could at least try. “Oh stop it, Moony! That is not Sirius being Sirius, sure... he may be a bit flirty naturally, but, he does a lot more than flirt with you. He’s always got his paws all over you, no pun intended”. And as she spoke, and tried to read his expression in his wide eyes, she could see the pedestal start to crumble. 

It was getting a bit harder for Remus to deny that Sirius may in fact be attainable, still, he pressed on. “It isn’t like that...” He stammered, though, Lily knew by the shaky tone in which he spoke, that he was saying that for himself to hear, not her. She was not the one he was trying to convince, he was trying to convince himself of that reality. She hated to see him and to hear him holding himself back in such a way, but, she could only do so much; she could only say so much. “Oh yes it is! You guys would be so cute, admit it.” She was very quick to reply, and a smirk tugged at her lips, she saw his blush intensify on his pale cheeks; vermillion was a colour often featured on his face at the mention of Sirius. He covered his face in the sweater paws of his beige knitted jumper, it was common time so they were able to be out of school uniform. “Oh shut up,” He muttered from the shield of armour his sweater fabric gave him, he was so easily sheepish. Lily laughed, knowing that retort was in good fun, his embarrassed reaction was just a confirmation he agreed with her statement. “You and James would be cute too” He replied once he felt his blush lessen, and the heat of his cheeks subside. He snickered when he saw her face immediately change, the mention of James did not illicit the same reaction of her mention of Sirius; it was quite the polar opposite. He laughed she he saw the smirk on her lips fade, and laughed harder when she made fake gagging sounds; as expected whenever James Potter was discussed. “Oh, stop it Moony. I think I’m going to vomit...“ and he smiled, and his smile became infectious, and she shared it. She amused herself with her exaggerated disgust. “The lady doth protest too much,” Remus replied, his blush completely gone now. The Shakespearian reference would have been lost on their other Pureblood classmates, who’s parents obviously would never educate them on the literary work of Muggles. 

That’s why he and Lily got on so well, they came from similar worlds, and thus got the same references. All while occasionally poking fun at the bubble James and Sirius and so many of their other peers seemed to live in. Lily got that reference, and she opened her mouth agape, and stuck her index finger inside, pretending to vomit. Which, was her response, to which they both giggled at. “Did he pay you to say that?” She asked, he laughed, but mostly because there was a bit of truth to it. A small bit, but still, a bit. That was something he’d probably do, and perhaps would do if he were ever that desperate; and that would be a welcomed desperation, Remus could do with a bit of extra pocket money. James regularly asked the other Marauders to talk him up to Lily, and since Remus was the closest to her, that request usually fell on his ears. “No, he just... asked nicely,” He joked, though what he said was the truth. Lily laughed, and that closed the book, so to speak, on the conversation for the time being. She went to open her textbooks back up, to resume their studying session. They often did things like this at the end of the day, or before a test. They could just sit with each other, and enjoy each other’s silent companionship. It was comforting to be with her, and he knew he was a comfort to her as well. Her presence was as warm as the fire that flickered in the common room, which was a fitting comparison, considering her hair and the flames shared the same hue. Just as she opened up her textbook again and returned to where she left off, and so did Remus, two familiar faces came up to them. James and Sirius approached them, obviously growing bored of whatever they were talking about, so, they returned to their fondest and most reliable source of entertainment- annoying the two of them. 

It was a fond sort of annoyance, though, it was in good fun. Remus knew why James would annoy Lily when she was trying to study; because he fancied her. But, he never understood why Sirius did the same to him. It never dawned on him that it was for the same reason. He was so deep in denial that he wasn’t aware of it; he was both his own canary, and coal mine. While they were still momentarily out of earshot, she whispered in his ear upon the sight of James making his way over to her, with no doubt an arsenal of comments already locked and loaded and ready to go. “Oh, now I know I’m going to vomit,” and Remus laughed, and again, covered his face, his mouth more specifically, with his sweater covered hand. Not to hide embarrassment this time, it was to hide his laughter and muffle it as best he could. His face was expressive and readable, so, James would no doubt know Lily had just said something about him- something he didn’t feel like explaining the context of if he asked. Sure, they had come at an inopportune time, but, better they show up now than when they were talking about them, right? Remus probably would have died due to immense embarrassment if Sirius had walked in on their conversion about him. And, embarrassment was not something Remus would like to have written on his tomb stone, so, he was a bit glad he’d chosen to bother him now. Sirius smiled at Lily, and greeted her first. “Hi Lily!” He said happily, and his gaze immediately shifted to Remus. Lily laughed to herself at the sudden action, and she knew most definitely why he’d come over to them both. “and Moony,” He added, though if anything, Lily was the afterthought; the way he looked at him was proof enough. Whenever his deep blue eyes fixed on Remus, everything became an afterthought, it was always so evident. He looked at Remus as if his gaze would never lie elsewhere again, that his thoughts would never be occupied by another, and that if he could help it- his gaze would truly never lie elsewhere, and his thoughts would never be filled with anyone or anything else. Lily wondered how Remus failed to see that. 

Remus murmured a hello to both of them, quickly becoming overwhelmed by Sirius’ presence. He thought he’d be better at hiding it by now, but, the combination of his voice and his beauty still threw him for a loop sometimes. “Sup, Evans.” James greeted her with his signature smirk as present as it had ever been on his lips. It was clear he hoped that this would be the encounter that his cool demeanour would finally impress her, and the walls around her heart would finally be burst down by the cavalry of how he carried himself. It worked on pretty much every girl in their year, and yet, it didn’t work on the one girl that he set his sights on. Which, inadvertently, and unintentionally on Lily’s part, only made him want her more. James Potter, was no stranger to getting what he wanted, ever since boyhood, he got what he wanted. Growing up in a wealthy family that was no stranger to opulence, meant that he was never denied a single opportunity or possession, and his good looks and his charms meant he was never denied a single romantic interest he wanted. Lily was the complete opposite, and strangely, James liked not getting what he wanted. He liked working for something, especially when everything came so effortlessly to him. “Hello, Sirius!” Lily greeted him just as warmly as he did to her. She greeted Sirius, and Sirius alone; nevertheless, James was not at all discouraged.

Lily quickly grabbed her books and stacked them together, and got up to go to the girls dormitories. She looked towards Remus, and laughed to herself yet again. Remus and Sirius were sneaking glances at each other, all while noticing the other was doing the same. Their obliviousness never ceased to amaze her, truly. She looked back over to James, “I think I must be going, bye bye, Moony. Thank you for helping me with my notes.” She thanked him kindly, and smiled at him fondly, and he reciprocated that sentimental fondness. In true Remus fashion, he muttered out a “Oh it’s no problem!’ followed by a silent ‘thank you for distracting me from Sirius, I was beginning to think my blush was starting to get a bit noticeable’, that only Lily picked up on, and understood. It was her to reply with a ‘Oh, it’s no problem,” but, said with her eyes of course, the pair regularly had silent conversations like this. Just as she turned to leave, she smiled at Sirius now as well, and said goodbye to him as she parted. “And, it was nice to see you, Sirius.” She looked at James and said nothing. She normally was not this cold to him, but, it had gotten back to her that James had left a rather mean note in Severus’ cauldron in potions class, so her coldness was his punishment. Her coldness would eventually subside, but, for the moment it was there. Though, all things considered, James didn’t regret his actions for one second- it was totally fucking worth it. Sirius laughed, and said good bye to her as well, she didn’t acknowledge it, but, she still smiled when she heard it. She turned to leave finally, and her red hair swished behind her as she turned her head. 

Sirius took Lily’s seat next to Remus nearly immediately after she left it, in fact it was still warm. He wasn’t happy to see Lily leave by any means, he liked her a lot and saw her as one of his closest friends. But, it was nice to not have to share Remus’ attention with one more person, even in the confines of this conversation. Especially because sometimes, in the confines of his darkest moments of jealousy, he worried that Remus was beginning to fancy her, due to all of the time they spent talking alone ever since last year. Little did he know, they spent so much time talking alone because she was the only one who knew about Remus’ crush on him. Lily sensed this jealousy at times, and wondered how both of their knees didn’t hurt from jumping to conclusions about each other’s hearts; and, also wondered when they were going to see their feelings for what they were and finally make a move. Fuck, James made a move on her every single day, and she wished he could lead by example and instruct his friends to do the same. Sirius averted his gaze from Remus and looked over to James as he watched him leave. “Close your mouth mate, you’re letting flies in, and drool get out,” He snickered, and, he felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment burn in his chest when he heard Remus laugh at his quip. He never felt better than when he could make Remus laugh really hard like that, and god, the smile he made when he was lost in laughter. He didn’t care what he looked like when Sirius could distract him with a joke, so he didn’t mind to show his teeth in the form of an open mouthed smile, the slight sharpness of his teeth were always so alluring to him. He looked so soft and was so kind, and the hidden sharpness of his teeth juxtaposed that, and Sirius didn’t know why he found that so attractive. But fuck, he found everything about him attractive so, he’d have a lot to unpack if he tried to start somewhere. James rolled his eyes from behind his glasses at Sirius’ remark, and chose not to say anything. Because they both knew Sirius watched Remus leave in the exact same way. 

Sirius was always so grateful when James never said anything to give his feelings for Remus away, wether Remus was there or not. His secret was safe with him, and he was always so thankful for that. “Yah, yah. You’d know all about drool, fleabag.” James retorted, which Remus laughed at too. He loved the sound of Remus’ laughter so much- Sirius didn’t even mind that it was at his expense. He loved the sound of it so much because, in his opinion, no one deserved happiness more than Remus Lupin. Even if laughter was a fleeting form of happiness, it was happiness just the same. Sirius scoffed, and used the sound as an opportunity to mask the sound of his chair as it slid against the floor when he kicked it, to be closer to Remus. He tried to be inconspicuous, and it worked, Remus didn’t notice. He did however notice that he was closer now, and thanked god that Sirius couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating in his chest; or feel the heat radiating from him at his presence. He never wanted to be somebody’s so badly. He felt his breath against his skin, and he got dizzy from it. It was the type of dizziness that was akin to being out of breath. Because, oxygen was no longer in his system, it was Sirius. He consumed his thoughts, he breathed him in, he felt his presence, it was overwhelming in the best way possible. Little did he know, however, he wouldn’t share that sentiment by the end of the day. For now, he liked his addiction to him, and he could appreciate how much he consumed him- Sirius was like a drug to him, and, he didn’t want to detox any time soon. Just him being around him, gave him an overwhelming feeling of euphoria that was totally unique to Sirius alone. And just as Remus was having all of these thoughts come to him; Sirius spoke, which only intensified them. “What are we reading, Moony?” He asked him, inching all the more closer to him. He wrapped his arm around him, in an effort to being Remus closer to him too. 

And, if Remus didn’t know any better, he would’ve sworn he’d felt Sirius rest his hand on the brown corduroy fabric that covered his thighs for a brief moment. It was a moment that made him come alive despite its brevity. His voice was the heroin, his arm around him was the act of putting the needle through his skin, and the hand on his thigh was the euphoria that ensued when the contents of the needle entered his bloodstream. But, Remus did now better, so, he dismissed it as just his imagination. Or, at most, just the slip of his hand. What Sirius knew was just testing the waters, and seeing how Remus would react- Remus interpreted a as a mistake, an accident. So, he tried his very, very best to not pay it any mind, as hard as that was it. It was for his own good, he supposed. The thoughts still lingered, even though Sirius’ hand did not. It went away just as quickly as it touched him, and just like heroin- Remus quickly grew addicted to his touch, and needed it now more than ever. “Ch-Charms,” Remus stuttered, unable to contain his trembling to just his actions, and he hoped Sirius wouldn’t notice, like he hadn’t noticed so many things. He did, however, and couldn’t help but smile at how adorable he was. “Fascinating,” He said sarcastically, though he did not move, he was there for Remus, not the content of his books. Fuck, it would’ve been full of nothing but blank pages, and he’d still sit there pretending to read if it meant he could he this close to Remus. And his arm stayed there as well, unwavering and just as unmoving as he was. He was trying to annoy him a bit on purpose, seeing how far he could go without Remus telling to piss off, in a joking, friendly way of course. He knew his Remus would never have the heart to say something like that with any ounce of sincerity. Well, he wasn’t his Remus, but, in the confines of his thoughts he could pretend. And, he pretended quite often. It always shocked him how much Remus would let him get away with, though, it clearly bugged him. Or, at least make him feel something. Remus always got so flustered when he’d do things like this, and he’d quiver at his touch, and stutter and blush like mad. Sirius didn’t know why though, he didn’t know what that meant. Little did he know; he never told him to stop because he loved it just as much he did. Remus could almost hear Lily’s voice in his head, gloating. “See. I told you Sirius liked you.” He could hear her say if he thought hard enough. “That’s just... how he is...” Remus argued with himself, never vocalizing this inner conflict though. 

For the time being, this inner conflict of ‘does Sirius like me or is this just normal friend stuff’ would stay just for him only... for now. Until then, he stayed in his arms, flustered, and wanting more than anything to cuddle into his touch and he kissed by the lips that spoke to him. Moments like these were not few and far between, as Remus would come to find out during the week that had just started. Or, more accurately, during the week hadn’t even begun. James sat with them for awhile, and decided to leave them be, and as he got up from his seat; Sirius gave him a look of silent thanks. James made up some excuse to go, that neither Remus nor Sirius questioned him on. Before he left though, he cleared his throat, and spoke directly to Sirius; his eyes were intense with an emotion Remus couldn’t place. “If you have something to say, while I’m gone... you should say it,” But James didn’t elaborate further, and with that, he was off. Sirius knew exactly what he was hinting at, he was hinting at Sirius telling him how he really felt about him. James pestered him about finally telling him all the time, but, Sirius always shrugged that idea off and dismissed it completely. James didn’t understand, and he thought he would never really understand- it was different than striking out with a girl. He could lose everything depending on how Remus took his confession, because to him, Remus was everything- he was his everything. And, he didn’t even have him yet. So, Sirius pretended he didn’t hear James and dismissed his parting remark, and hoped Remus would do the same. Remus laughed a bit, “What did James mean by that... what do you have to say?” he asked, and though he couldn’t see it, Sirius was the one starting to get flustered. He thought of something to say, anything to say- just to get him to drop it. “Oh, uh. I have absolutely no idea,” His voice had a steadiness, but Remus could tell it was a false steadiness. He was hiding something. But, he didn’t press him on it further, he was a bit hurt Sirius was keeping something from him though.

The next day, trouble quickly ensued in the transfigurations class the Marauders shared together. And it was the best kind of trouble, in Remus’ opinion; as it was the trouble that concerned and cantered around Sirius. The lesson they were learning, and the lesson only Remus was paying attention to out of their group, was turning frogs into flowers. Though it was hard with Sirius sitting next to him, he tried his very best to pay attention. He was distracting as always and as ever, just by being there. His silence was more captivating than most people’s speech. Once it was time to put the teaching into practice, he looked at the practice frog that now suddenly appeared in front of him out of nowhere. He looked at it intensely, and held his wand firmly, and recited the spell he had just been taught to the very best of his ability. He was trying really hard to impress Sirius, though he had already earned that time and time again, still, he tried hard to maintain that even though there was no need. His mind couldn’t help but still think of Sirius even was he was trying to cast his spell, and those thoughts manifested in what happened, and the outcome of it. Before his eyes, the green frog became a camellia in full bloom. Ironically, a camellia usually meant pining, and longing for someone. 

And, the flower, was a beautiful shade of blue; it looked very familiar to Remus, he thought for a moment and tried to place what gave it it’s quality of familiarity. It came to him nearly immediately, it was the exact same shade of blue of Sirius’ eyes. His own eyes widened at that discovery, he really did consume his thoughts, huh? He was even reflected in his school work, his subconscious manifesting in real life. Sirius finally looked over to Remus’ nearly transfigured flower, and marvelled in awe that made Remus feel so special, and so accomplished. “Wow, that’s really pretty, Moony.” He complimented, his eyes not leaving it, he admired the intricacies of its petals, and the true blue of its colour; it was so well done that it didn’t even look real. Remus didn’t even know what to say, no words could come to his mind to properly say thank you. Words always escaped him when it came to Sirius. He blushed madly now, and really hoped that Sirius couldn’t tell. “You’re really, really good at this,” He complimented again, still admiring it. “I guess studying pays off,” Remus joked, trying to stray away from the serious tone in which he spoke. He loved it when Sirius got like that, but, in small doses. It effected him too much to hear it so often, being complimented by Sirius felt like heaven. His words were heavenly and the tone in which he spoke was ethereal; he could have sworn the clouds of heaven opened up every time it heard the soothing tremors of his voice. Sirius laughed, and Remus could’ve sworn he felt cupid strike his heart directly with an arrow; and he felt overcome by folly as he felt himself fall for him even more. If only he could realize trying to fight his feelings was even more folly. His heart could burst by now. “Well, that makes sense. Peter’s flower over there still has webbed feet,” Sirius joked, still laughing at bit at his own statement. Remus giggled, and he was blushing terribly as Sirius held the flower in his hand now, admiring it in its palm. He held it like it was gold, and was taking extra care to not damage or crush any of the petals that were so perfectly lush. “You can have it... if you want,” He told him, though he immediately felt stupid, and that it was stupid of him to even say that because, as if he would even want it. 

But, to his surprise, he really did. “I’d like that very much!” The slight smile that remained from his laugh had blossomed into a full, toothy smile. Remus felt like he could faint at any moment now. He tested the water by asking him if he wanted to have it, and decided he might just be brave enough to dive in head first. His heart was racing now; he took the flower from Sirius’ open palm. He held it by the short green stem, and tucked some of Sirius’ messy black hair behind his ears. Sirius immediately started to look back at him with half lidded eyes, becoming relaxed, and relaxing into his touch. He loved it when Remus would do things like that to him, and treasured the rare occurrences when it did. His touch was so divine, and fuck, he’d make a shrine dedicated to it worship all of its divinity if it meant he’d get more of it. He was so gentle, so soothing. Remus tucked the stem of the flower in with his hair behind his ear, and he couldn’t help but silently admire how pretty he looked. Sirius noticed his staring, and sapphire met peridot; their eyes gazed into each other. “It makes your eyes pop,” Remus admitted sheepishly, and now, it was Sirius’ turn to blush. A halo of rose adorned his pale cheeks, and he could think of nothing to say, his heart and face were on fire; and he wasn’t even sure as to why. It was a combination of his compliment, and the innocent nature in which he spoke. His innocence was as sweet as cherry wine, and he wanted to pour himself a tall glass of it and indulge in its purity. He thought of nothing to say, so, he mimicked his words. He made a popping sound with his lips, and they both, and smiled at each other fondly. If Sirius had it his way, he’d kiss him for the first time in that moment, but he knew far better. The moment sure felt right for it though. Reality faded, and seemed to blur behind the other, all that they could focus on, all that mattered, was each other. As always, they became their own little world. 

And as always, someone or something would always come back to pull them back to earth. And today, that something was Professor McGonagall calling them by their surnames and telling them to pay attention. Sirius looked at him apologetically for getting him into a bit of trouble, and, they both returned to the lesson, and don’t speak about that moment again. It faded to history, but not from Remus’ memory. And, Remus couldn’t help but notice that that flower stayed in Sirius’ onyx locks all day. And, his heart would swell with a cocktail of longing and of pride whenever someone would ask where he got it, and Sirius would look over to him, and proudly say, “Oh, Moony gave it to me!”. And, Remus couldn’t help but notice that the flower had taken up permanent residence on Sirius’s nightstand table, though it hard already started to wilt a bit. Still, he kept it, and was happy to see it just the same. All that mattered that it was from Moony- his Moony. Of course only he heard himself add the ‘his’.

The next day had a moment of tenderness in it as well. That Wednesday came and went with fleeting affection that Sirius and Remus would both look forward to, and yet never speak of after they passed. They both sat on the edge of their beds, looking at each other and talking, and giggling as their day wrapped up. Sirius couldn’t help but silently admire how cute Remus looked in his flannel pyjamas, he was always so particular about matching the shirts with the pants. He was always so effortless cute, he could stare at him forever if he could. And Remus couldn’t help but admire even more quietly how attractive Sirius looked, his attractiveness was as effortless as ever, he caught his eye without even trying. He wore a torn and tattered black tshirt with some sort of design on it, Remus was certain it was one of the Muggle bands he liked so much. All of his Muggle band tshirts were always so ripped, because his mother always ordered Kreacher to destroy them, leaving him to try and mend them with magic. Sirius liked them more like that though, each of the rips were a reminder of his defiance against his parents and their values. James always said they made him look homeless, but, Remus disagreed, and he liked Sirius wearing them almost as much as the man himself did. They were ripped, and each rip exposed an extra inch of his bare skin, something Remus wished he could see in its entirety. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, and the pale tantalizing skin that was exposed to him. 

He was hoping his stares wouldn’t be noticed, and Sirius hoped the same of his. “So, you got a package this morning at breakfast, what was in it!” Remus asked, getting a bit excited. He and Peter lived vicariously through the lives Sirius and James lived, they themselves came from middle class families, which was not the case for Sirius, nor James. They got packages from home and that they ordered by mail multiple times a week, they grew apathetic to it, Remus and Peter still got excited though. Sirius laughed at the sweetness of his excitement, and Remus tried really hard to not watch through the holes in his shirt as the muscles there tensed a bit as he laughed. “Oh, I got a record. Wanna see!!” His excitement was contagious, and he wanted to show him. Remus was one of the only ones who didn’t look down at him for his liking of Muggle music. 

Remus nodded, and was happy just because Sirius was. He had accumulated quite a bit of Muggle records in the past few months, and Hogwarts the only place he felt safe having them on display. He was proud of them and liked to look at them, but, if he had them on display at home, Kreacher would probably break them as per Sirius’ mothers orders. Sirius felt safe gushing about his interests to Remus, and Remus was honoured he could make him feel that way. Remus looked over at what Sirius was holding up, and squinted so he could see it better. The Scream?” Remus asked, wondering if he read that right from so far away. Sirius nodded, “Yah! It’s a Siouxsie and the Banshees album,” he confirmed as he put the record on the bed next to him. Remus recognized that name, Sirius liked them quite a bit. He gasped with fake offence, “Oh wow, another Muggle band? You have some nerve,” and Sirius laughed, “I know right, I’m a disgrace to the bloodline, quite frankly,” He went along with it, sarcastically of course. But, his face changed. It was as if he had something he really wanted to ask, but, couldn’t. Remus almost wanted to ask him softly, “What is it?” To help him out but, he didn’t want to push him on it. Finally, through baited breath, Sirius asked him what he wanted to. “Um, I haven’t... listened to it yet. Do you wanna, come over here and listen to it with me? I know this isn’t your kind of thing but, do you still wanna?” He asked, and Remus couldn’t recall him ever look so shy. 

Sheepishness wasn’t something Sirius felt often, and Remus couldn’t help but notice how cute of a colour it was on him. He smiled happily, and got up. He sat on his bed, and the caterpillars in his stomach must have burst out of their cocoons; he was overwhelmed with giddiness and butterflies. There he was, sitting in his bed. Sirius got his record player out from under his bed, and got the record itself from the packaging and played it. And they listened to it like that, together. By about the halfway point of the album, Sirius took the leap of faith, and put his arm around him. He did it with a subtle let blatant swiftness that only Sirius could pull off. Remus couldn’t believe it, it was real and it was happening. He felt his hand on his shoulder and his body heat radiating off of him. He subtly tried to nuzzle into his touch, but, he couldn’t pull of subtlety nearly as well as Sirius could. He looked away and smiled, hoping that Remus wouldn’t notice that he noticed. Remus felt sleep tugging at him, but, he wanted to be awake and enjoy this moment forever. He felt himself start to tremble a bit, he was so overcome with emotion and love for him, it was so overwhelming. All of his senses were so overwhelmed by now, all but one. Touch; Sirius’s hand. Hearing; Sirius’s music. Scent; Sirius’s sweet smell. All but the one he wanted the most; taste. He wanted to taste him completely, he wanted to kiss him so badly, it would be such a great moment for himself. Sirius couldn’t possibly see him as a friend, right? He wasn’t sure at this point, friends didn’t put their arms around friends, right? Sirius shared that sentiment though he didn’t let him know it at the time; he wanted to do a hell of a lot more than just put his arm around him. They fell asleep just like that, silent; and overwhelmed with emotion and the feeling of each other. Remus fell asleep on his arm, and, he honestly had never slept better. Never had he felt so safe, never had he felt so at peace. 

He woke up, only to find that Sirius hadn’t moved him, in fact- he even tucked him in. Remus didn’t know what to feel, he was hopeful, scared, confused and sad that he couldn’t go back and relive last moment over and over again. “Finally you’re up! We’re both very late for class, by the way. But, you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you.” Sirius whispered softly to him as he woke up, and Remus was truly at a complete loss for words. He couldn’t believe this was really happening; he was so taken aback he didn’t even worry about the fact he was late for class. It felt too good to be real, he probably was still dreaming; in fact, he was sure of it. And still, he hadn’t moved him, he was waiting for him to get up. What the hell was he playing at? They’d both wished they could stay like that all day, though neither of them knew the other felt the same way as them.

The next moment happened on Thursday night. It became one of the many moments that were so treasured and so sacred that they could only occur when they were alone. And, they liked it better that way. They were only for them to enjoy, they were each other’s little secrets; and they’re walk away, haunted by them as soon as they were over. Left to think about them alone, even though they were surrounded by people. Remus and Sirius were alone studying in the gryffindor common room. Well, Remus was studying- Sirius just sat there staring at him. They sat on opposite ends of the plush red couch, the inches between them felt like miles. They wanted to close that gap more than anything else; but, they didn’t think that the other wanted to do so as well. So, there they both sat, a respectful distance away, wishing the other would make the first move. “Don’t you think you should join?” Remus asked with a bit of sarcasm in his voice, trying to hand him a book to read. Sirius laughed, and shook his head and denied it, “I think you’re doing just enough studying for the both of us,” He replied, relaxing more as he leaned back. Remus scoffed, he thought Sirius would have outgrown strategy of ‘winging’ tests by now. 

But, he hadn’t; and he supposed thats one of the things he liked best about him, annoying as that trait sometimes was. Good luck and natural ability carried him through life, which was something Remus both envied and admired. He had to study very often to keep his grades up, and that wasn’t the case for Sirius, ever. Strangely, though Sirius never studied with him, he always wanted to be with him when he’d studied. He’d change his plans, turn down Jame’s invitations and prank ideas, just to hang out with Remus and do nothing but stare at him all night. Remus didn’t understand it, but, he liked it nonetheless, he liked Sirius’ company whenever he got the chance to get it. Sirius was studying though, he was studying his favourite subject in the world- Remus. He watched the way he wrote, and how neat his cursive always was. He studied the way his hand glided across every page as he wrote, and the way he’d grumble to himself in a blot of ink dripped off of his quill because he was always such a perfectionist about his notes. He studied the way his eyebrows would furrow in confusion if he didn’t get something; and the way he’d smile to himself with pride when he did. He’d watch his green eyes light up and study each page of his textbooks, and only wish he could look at him with such intensity and attention. He could watch him work for hours, and, he would if he could. There were infinite things about him to admire, and he found more every time he looked at him, and found more every second they spent together. 

He knew now, more than ever, he loved him. He truly, truly loved him. He put his feet up on the coffee table in front of them both, and moved some of Remus’ books. He grumbled, and moved them back to where they originally were. Sirius laughed at his annoyance, his nose always crinkled in the cutest way whenever he got annoyed. He wished he could see his pestering as what it was; and not just friends being friends, he was clearly trying to get his attention. He was too scared and nervous to tell Remus how he truly felt because of his fear of his rejection- so, he hoped his actions would speak for him. He wished Remus could see his affection for what it was, he wished he could be more aware of him. He was a bit disheartened by it sometimes, but, was nevertheless determined. He thought one of these days, he was bound to be made aware if he made his feelings obvious enough. But, he wasn’t really sure what else he could’ve done. They literally slept together, and Sirius wished he could’ve meant that as the euphemism. Last night meant a lot to Sirius- and he hoped that it meant something to Remus too, but he couldn’t be sure anymore. Friends didn’t sleep with friends, friends didn’t give each other flowers, friends didn’t stare at each other for hours, friends didn’t notice the colour of each other’s eyes. He knew that, anyone else knew that, he just wished Remus knew that. 

He was growing tired now, and, not just tired of Remus’ obliviousness. Sleep tugged at his eyes as he watched Remus- he couldn’t help but notice how cute he looked. He always looked cute, but, he looked especially cute on that particular light. The oil lamp light glow drew attention to all of his features in the best way possible. It brought out the gold highlights in his messy chestnut hair, and defined the ridges of his fading facial scars. He knew he hated them, but Sirius just adored them. He adored everything about him; the words ‘flawed’ and ‘Remus Lupin’ didn’t go together in his vocabulary; because to him, he had none. He was perfect, simply and unequivocally perfect. He wished Remus would give him the chance to tell him; because he’d tell him that as many times as he wanted to hear it. Remus felt his heavy gaze on him, and he couldn’t help but melt underneath it. He was crushed by the weight of it in the best way possible, he’d take his attention in any form he could get it. And in that moment, he had all of it. If only he knew, he always had all of it, in any moment, at any time, in any situation. It didn’t matter if they were alone or in a room full of people, Remus was the only person to ever capture his attention so fully. In that moment, they were alone though- and Remus cursed himself for not taking that opportunity. They were fully alone, by the fire, the oil lamp was starting to dim, and he was too nervous to make a move. 

God, did he want to make a move. He looked at Sirius who he noticed was looking at him too; he wanted to kiss him, and be in his arms once again. But, he was way too nervous. “You’re staring,” Remus said, and Sirius couldn’t tell if he meant that as a statement or a question, his tone and phrasing was a bit confusing. Sirius straightened up his posture, “Oh, um. Yah, sorry about that.” He said, confidently and cooly; much smoother than Remus ever was whenever Sirius called him out when he caught him staring. Again, any trait of Sirius’ he both envied and admired. Sirius looked away now, and pretended to now suddenly be fascinated by the wood withering away as it burned in the fire. The wood growing more charred and burned as he watched; and he pretended to care. “I didn’t say I didn’t like when you stared,” Remus replied, his voice shaking as much as he was, he was nervous and he was cold. This was his version of testing the waters, his version of flirting- he hoped that Sirius would see it for what it was. And, Sirius did- or at least, thought he did. He interpreted it as an awkward boy’s awkward attempt at flirting, and hoped he wasn’t too far off with that interpretation. He wanted to run a mile with the inch he gave him, but, unfortunately the confident Sirius Black couldn’t stay confident forever. His confidence was like the oil in the lamp that illuminated them both; it was running out- and was a flicker of the former flame it had been. “You’re cold,” Sirius said, and Remus wasn’t sure if it was a question, he answered it like it was a question though. He nodded his head meekly, even under the warmth of the fire and the big red sweater he was currently swimming in, he was still pretty cold. He held his shoulders for warmth as he shivered, now not only because of his intense gaze, but because he was legitimately freezing. He was playing it up a bit, though. He was trying to see if maybe, just maybe, he was cold enough- Sirius would put his arm around him again. He really, really hoped he would. And, Sirius really, really wanted to, but he was unsure if that’s what Remus wanted him to do, so he didn’t. If it was up to him, he’d wrap him in his arms and hold him close to his chest, and kiss his neck softly until he warmed up. And they could stay like that all night, and every night, if Remus wanted to. 

But, it wasn’t up to him. He didn’t want to make Remus uncomfortable. Both boys were so deep rooted in delusion it was getting in their own way. Sirius wanted to warm him up, but, there were no blankets in sight, and, he couldn’t give him his own jumper because he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. Slightly panicked, he looked around the common room with wide eyes, making sure they were really, truly alone. And, they were. There probably was a better option, but in his sleep deprived state, Sirius couldn’t think of one. But, they were alone, so what risk was there? He thought this would be the most platonic solution, or rather, seemingly platonic. Nothing he did for Remus ever had platonic intentions; this would just be the easiest to interpret as such. He transfigured into his dog animangous form, and got up, walked over to him, and wrapped himself around him. He curled around him, and Remus was really touched by that gesture. He was starting to feel warmer already, particularly on his face. His face grew hot, and he could tell already without even looking he was blushing. He couldn’t help it, Sirius always made him so flustered. He rest his snout on his lap and Remus knew his body language in both forms by now. He scratched behind his ears in the particular spot he knew he could never reach, and pet his soft black fur. He quietly purred into his touch, and Remus smiled; he always had such a sweet disposition as a dog, though his appearance was a bit foreboding- he behaved more like a kitten rather than a dog. 

Sirius nuzzled into his touch, and shut his eyes as sleep tugged at him. If there was a ever a time to say ‘I love you’, it was now. Remus felt it more than ever now, and he wanted to say it now more than every. But, he bit his tongue, and stayed silent. He took in the serenity of that moment, the love in that moment. They cuddled into each other’s touch as long as the room could stay vacant; and their desolation would allow. Remus never felt so warm, and he never felt so at peace. He wished they could be like this all the time. Sirius turned into his dog form to keep him warm quite often, but, this time felt so different. It was hard for Remus to explain, but, it just felt different. It felt better than it ever had. ‘This wasn’t something all friends did, right?’ He asked himself as his mind wandered from his Ancient Ruins textbook, still petting Sirius who lay on his lap asleep. He wasn’t sure anymore, and he supposed he might not be for a long time. But, for the first time unsurety would have to do, and could do; as long as it meant moments like these would never stop.

And, then came friday morning, the most eventful of all. Sirius had been a bit tongue and cheek, but, that morning was all tongue. He was different that day, and memories of the night before danced in his head as soon as he woke up. He wanted more than that, he wanted to be more than they were. Adrenaline hit his system as soon as he opened his eyes on that morning. He walked a little closer to the edge they both danced on; and dared to be a bit more suggestive, and air his feelings out in the open- but, not entirely just quite yet. His stares were blatant that morning as he watched Remus get dressed, and rather than looking away when their eyes met; he stayed right where he was. His look got all the more intense, and dared him to say something. Remus was way too flustered to do any such thing, and he was trying really hard not to show it. Sirius had been making things so hard for him lately, especially today. He’d been so hard to figure out, and the way he was looking at him made him more confused than ever. He wasn’t sure what he was playing at. He stood in the mirror as he did his white uniform shirt up, and he could see Sirius not take his eyes off of him in the mirror’s reflection. And the way he was looking at him, was not how friends were supposed to look at friends. He was very inexperienced in that department, but, he could assume that much. He liked being looked at by Sirius in such a way, he really liked it a lot. He was even a bit embarrassed just how much he liked it. He rushed to cover himself up, and did the buttons up quickly just to be able to move away from the mirror and avert from Sirius’ line of sight. 

Sirius smirked to himself at how easily flustered he made Remus, and took that as a good sign. There was no way he’d act in such a way if he didn’t feel something towards him- right? If he really didn’t like it, or really didn’t see them that way, he’d tell him to fuck off, right? Sirius was hoping so, at least. Sirius noticed at the same time Remus did when he looked down, the buttons were all in the wrong loops. Only Sirius could make a task that Remus had done every single day for years so hard, and so suddenly impossible. Sirius used all the confidence he had, and got up from his bed and walked over to him. Or rather, he strutted- a kind of strut and surety of himself that was as if he had just had a full vile of felix felicis. Remus had no idea how Sirius or James could carry themselves with such confidence. Remus hadn’t noticed until he gotten up, that he had his uniform shirt on, but all of the buttons were undone. Remus couldn’t help but stare in a way he knew full well was probably way too obvious, but, he couldn’t help it. He was so well built and so perfect, it was a wonder why he wore clothes at all. He scrambled to turn around to face him as he approached him, and subconsciously he backed away. His feelings for Sirius activated his fight or flight response in way, they were so intense and some times he hated himself for feeling them- he was backing away from them, never the man himself. He felt the cool glass of the mirror against his back, he had nowhere left to go. Sirius was now only inches away from him now, and was eyeing him up and down with intent. Intent to do what, Remus wasn’t exactly sure but, he knew he’d let him do whatever he wanted to him- as shameful as that was to admit to himself. But, fuck, was it true. “Your buttons are all wrong, Moony.” Sirius cooed, in a teasing sort of voice. Remus couldn’t place why, but, he sort of liked being spoken to it that way, his voice was so smooth, and seemed to have a tinge of lust as he spoke. Remus nodded, embarrassed, he didn’t know what to say. He felt so weak and so overpowered and he hadn’t even done anything to him, or barely even said anything. 

He was already fully at his mercy, and his heart skipped a beat at the feeling of his guard being let down fully and completely. His brashness and his shamefulness turned him on a bit, and overwhelmed him at the same time. This was all so much for him. Was he going to make a move on him, here? Now? He couldn’t help but hope so with everything in him. “Let me help you with that,” Sirius mused, and inched closer to him. His hands made their way to the top button of his shirt, and Remus felt his hands subconsciously drop to his waist. He submit fully to him and he had no idea why, he wanted him to have full control over this situation, it all just felt so right. Remus said nothing, and was more than complacent, he was thrilled this was all happening; he had never recalled his heart beating so fast. Sirius was in complete awe, he hadn’t expected this to go so well, and so far. He took his time undoing the buttons Remus had mixed up, taking his time and enjoying this. He knew he was so lucky Remus let his guard up enough to do this, he was normally so self conscious- which broke his heart. He wanted to kiss every scar on his torso that was revealed to him, and tell him how gorgeous he was over and over again- but, baby steps. He was just lucky enough to be able to do this, now. But, unfortunately for both of them, his shirt did not stay unbuttoned. He did the buttons back up correctly just as quickly as he had undid them, which, wasn’t very quick but, still was happening. Sirius treasured this small moment of intimacy, he loved Remus so much. His heart literally fluttered just by doing this, that’s one of the things he liked most about Remus, he let him be able to experience such pure and jocund emotions. He made him so happy. Sirius didn’t want this to end, and nor did Remus- he could both tell. Remus quickly got drunk off of the undeniable homoeroticism between them. This was the closest he had ever come to anything remotely sexual and he wondered if the actual, real thing felt this good. Sirius grabbed Remus’ tie from his bedside table, and put it around his neck. 

Remus’ breath hitched at the feeling of his hands grazing the flesh of his neck. He knew it was wrong, so very wrong to want to be touched in such a way, to be choked by his best friend. He knew it was wrong, but, thinking of such things felt so, so good. He couldn’t help it, he wanted that so badly. His eyes subconsciously fell half lidded, and wished he’d just grab a bit tighter, or his hand would linger just a bit longer there. Sirius leans into the crook of his ear, getting so close his lips actually touch his skin, he whispered huskily, “I think you’ll find I’m rather good with knots,” And Remus was sure he was going to faint. He knew by the manner in which he spoke that he meant that in the dirtiest way possible, and Remus nearly lost all of his remaining breath. Remus let out the most delicious gasp at his words, and Sirius savoured it- he wanted him so badly. He wanted to have him then, and now- but, alas, he couldn’t. Remus watched was Sirius tied his tie, and smirked to himself when he was finished. They weren’t just tipsy off anticipation, they were drunk off of it, strung out on it. They both needed release, sooner rather than later. This had been so many years in the making. The longer Sirius looked down at him, he knew he was straying further and further away from being able to resist. He needed to kiss him, well, he wanted to do a whole lot more than just kiss him, but, kissing would be a good place to start. Plus, he knew Remus would have to be eased into doing things like that. Fuck- the thought of being Remus’ first time, and possibly his first kiss- he had to bite at his lip just thinking about that. But, not now. They couldn’t do that right now, or maybe even at all- he still wasn’t sure he was into him like that. And, still, after all of that, Remus still wasn’t sure where they stood. Or, even if they stood at all. To ease the sexual tension he regrettably, couldnt act on in that moment, Sirius grabbed him by his shoulders, gently, but, with a strong enough grip to be able to move him. He turned him around so he could see himself in the mirror, and to disconnect their consuming eye contact. “See! All better,” Sirius beamed, in an almost singsong sort of a voice, the seduction leaving his voice as soon as it came. Remus was immediately disheartened by the quick change in tone. 

The lust in his voice came and went; as if it was turned off and on by a switch or something. Was that all just an act? Was this just a game for him, was he just a game? He wrapped his arms around him, affectionately and possessively, keeping him there. Sirius rested his chin on Remus’ shoulders, and they both stood there, just like that. Sirius was so happy, he knew now more than ever that they belonged together- they had to. He fit so perfectly in between his arms, they were made for each other; or at least, he thought so. Remus felt a mix of emotions; he was still a bit skeptical, but, was so overwhelmed by how good it felt to be held by Sirius in such a way. His breath ghosting against his skin, his arms around him, his bare chest against his back. It all felt so unbelievably right. He couldn’t escape the change in tone, something about it didn’t feel right. But, that wasn’t what was really at play. Remus was just looking for excuses, plain and simple. He was just looking for excuses to deny his feelings and attractions to Sirius, and trying to look for excuses to avoid how Sirius might feel about him; out of fear of getting hurt, and the need to not let himself be happy. Remus was so overwhelmed, and he felt like he was going to faint as emotions piled up inside of him. He squirmed out of his grasp, and pulled his grey uniform sweater over his head, and ran a comb quickly through his now messed up hair. He scrambled to grab his books, “Do up your shirt and get dressed, you’ll be late for class.” He whispered faintly, suppressed emotion was tugging at his voice. If, Sirius didn’t know any better, and no one knew Remus better than Sirius did, he’d say he was going to cry. Sirius was so confused, he thought that they had just had a nice moment, and things were finally starting to become clear. But, things were more clouded and confusing than they ever were. 

Remus refused to meet his eyes as he walked away, and that hurt Sirius to his core. He was so confused, he wasn’t sure wether he should apologize or pretend that that never happened. He didn’t want to pretend it didn’t happen, though. It did happen, and, Sirius felt so happy that it did happen, up until the very end at least. But, if that’s what Remus wanted, he’d do that. He’d do anything to make him happy. He slumped himself on Remus’ bed, trying to think where he could’ve gone wrong. And, to make matters worse, he’d probably get yelled at by his teachers for being late to class- could this day get any worse? But, then a thought came to him, “You can’t get yelled at for being late to class if you don’t show up at all.” And, though that wasn’t the most responsible thought, it made him strangely hopeful. Things could be okay again, and, he was going to spend the rest of the day trying to think of a way to make them okay. He was probably going to do something stupid with James later to take his mind off of all of this, but, for the better part of the day he was going to think of a way to patch things up with Remus- it was decidedly so. 

He looked out of the window adjacent from Remus’ bed as he shifted up in his seat, he straightened up and didn’t appear so defeated. He looked out the window and at the sunny sky, he decided to himself; that by the time the way was over- Remus wouldn’t be mad at him anymore. If he even was mad at him- Sirius couldn’t tell, he was acting so odd lately. And at the opposite end of the castle, Remus was having his own inner conflict, about Sirius. What was he trying to do? Was he messing with him or not? Remus didn’t know what to think anymore, and memories of that morning played an replayed in his head all morning, afternoon and night. He was at such a loss, he had no idea what to think. He was on edge for the rest of the day, and couldn’t help but think of what could have been if he just stayed nestled in his arms. He hated himself for leaving, he didn’t know why he even left- he just was a bit scared, and a bit overwhelmed. Something like that had never happened to him before, and he wished he wasn’t so afraid all the time.

Remus could hardly even deny the events that had happened in that last week, they were all his thoughts were consumed with now. He barely got any sleep as it was, but, he started to purposely try to avoid it now. Even his dreams were filled with the highlight reel of the events of the past week. Usually, his dreams involving Sirius were just that: dreams. They were wildly unattainable and unlikely. They were so improbable he could lose himself in them, and just enjoy them, and feel melancholic when he woke up, and long to go back to that world again. But, now, his dreams weren’t dreams, they were reality. The moments between them replayed in his head over and over again. They were inescapable; but, Remus tried desperately to. He knew dwelling on them would only be harmful in the end, because they weren’t true. He tried to convince himself over and over again that they were nothing but misinterpretations on his end- nothing more, nothing less. That was why, he had decided to maybe distance himself from Sirius for awhile. He hated it, he hated that he had to do it, but, he thought that it was for his own good. He had planned to start that distancing tonight, which was why he skipped dinner. Skipping dinner was something he never, ever did; which is why he chose to do it that night. Because, he knew Sirius never did it either, so, he was sure to not see him. He had the entire Gryffindor common room to himself, the quietness that filled the empty room was strangely calming, if not a bit creepy. 

He tapped his foot against the ground, and gritted his teeth, he was a bit on edge, and needed to fill the room with at least a bit of noise. He missed Sirius, he wanted to see him, but, he knew he couldn’t. He sat there for awhile, getting used to the empty room of red and gold decor, not even the ghosts were in here tonight; even they participated in the ambiance of dinner at Hogwarts. The only soul, living or dead, in the room was him, and the only sound in the room was the sound of the bottom of his shoe on the ground and the exhales and inhales leaving his nose. Maybe he could get used to this, maybe distance wouldn’t be as hard as he thought it would be. He thought so, or rather forced himself into believing it to be so; at least, until he was met with a familiar sound. A sound he had gone out of his way to avoid. Sirius had come into the common room, and Remus’ breath hitched when he entered. He didn’t even have to turn around in his seat to know that it was Sirius; not only could he just feel the aura and atmosphere of a room change when he entered it, and he had to begrudgingly admit, even now, that change was always for the better. Even now when it wasn’t exactly welcomed, he was still very glad he was there. Not only could he feel that change, but, he even somehow memorized the sound of his footing, and the melody in which he walked in. He cursed himself in that moment upon realizing, just how much headspace he had devoted to that boy; and felt sad because he thought Sirius would never do the same. He was his friend, nothing more, and so, he didn’t turn around. He didn’t turn around, because he knew at the sight of him, he’d give up trying to keep his distance, and fall right back into the trap; the gateway drug that was Sirius Orion Black. Sirius was emphatic at the sight of him, though Remus didn’t notice because he couldn’t see. He truly was smiling from ear to ear, he’d left dinner early to try and find him. Food wasn’t as enjoyable, fuck- nothing was as enjoyable, if Remus wasn’t there by his side. He grew lonely, and bored without him there. And, he had begun to worry, Remus never missed dinner so, he wanted to try and find him. “Hey, there you are. Fuck, Moony, I been looking for you all over! Don’t scare me like that ever again, yah?” He laughed, but the smile faded from his face and his mouth hung open, he grew a bit sad. He could feel his presence wasn’t welcomed. That didn’t change the fact he was still very happy to see him though. “Hi,” Remus answered flatly, his body unmoving and head unturning. 

Sirius stood in the doorway of the common room, his back against the back of the painting that guarded the entrance of it. He stayed there, testing the waters, he had a feeling for whatever reason he wasn’t welcomed, and thus, didn’t dive in the deep end just yet. “Almost didn’t remember the password today, nearly had to go back downstairs to ask Prongs what it was. Then I remembered it was Godric,” He laughed again, though this one was clearly very forced. He was just trying to break the tension in the air, the tension that felt so thick it could be cut by a knife. He laughed, but Remus did not; not that Sirius could blame him, it wasn’t at all funny. And even so, he pressed on with his tangent, not really sure where he was going with it but, figured maybe he’d find his point by the time he was done talking. “Yah, um. It was Godric, and I felt, a bit stupid because I couldn’t remember, since he’s the founder of the house and all. Odd name, Godric. But then again, maybe I shouldn’t be the one to say so, since like... my name is Sirius,”. “Yah, your name is Sirius. And he’s probably thinking, ‘This guy can’t be serious.’ you sound like an idiot.” He thought to himself. His voice got quieter and quieter as he carried on, the tension not at all elevated. He cringed at his own words as they left his lips, he didn’t even know what he was saying at this point. He switched the subject, for his own sake. “Why’d you skip dinner anyways, are you feeling ill or something?” The question would be considered judgemental from anyone else, but, Remus knew how much Sirius cared for him, and that care was evident in the sound of his voice. He felt himself begin to blush, now. Which was just another of the many reasons not to turn around. He didn’t know what to answer; because sure, he was sick- lovesick. He was lovesick over him, and the only reason he skipped dinner was so that he could get some distance to try and put an end to his crush on him. 

And, so he didn’t make a fool out of himself in front of him. “Wasn’t hungry,” He answered quickly, hoping the speed of his tone would mask his nervousness. “Same here,” Sirius replied, though it was an obvious lie. The only reason he wasn’t eating right now was the man he was talking to. He felt foolish now, for cursing the sexual tension between them- because, actual tension felt a hell of a lot worse. Especially when he couldn’t figure out why Remus was acting this way. He feared that maybe he went too far, especially as he thought about what happened earlier that morning. “Maybe the knot comment was a bit... too much,” He thought to himself, still standing in the doorway awkwardly, leaning against the frame for support- support his words could not provide for him. He feared now more than ever he messed things up between him and Remus forever; was the damage really that irreversible? He would feel awful if he made him feel uncomfortable, he wished more than anything he could just have the courage to explain his true feelings, and his flirtatious comments and actions were just him testing the waters to see if he liked him too. The waters of where he stood with Remus were murky, and it was too deep to be able to see the bottom; he was scared, and, he wished he could explain that his flirtation was just the life preserver he clung to. He just wanted things to be okay again. He needed to hear his voice soon, he was going mad without the sound of it. The silent treatment from Remus was the worst punishment of all; especially when he craved his attention so badly. But, then a thought occurred to him, maybe he was overthinking this way too much, and, him trying so hard was making things worse. Things were effortless with Moony, and it felt weird to try to make such an effort. It was like a lightbulb went off in his head, he’d make him the one offer he couldn’t refuse.

“I’m a bit bored... and since we pretty much have the common room to ourselves- and James isn’t here, want to steal his cloak and... get up to no good?” Sirius mused, a bit too... suggestively. His voice had a purr to it as he spoke, and it was far too enticing for Remus’ own good. He didn’t know what he was implying when he said that, and that was it. Remus was sick of trying to figure out what Sirius was always trying to imply. That was it, that was the match that lit the fire inside of him, he’d had enough of this. All of the events that had culminated into his unraveling, he couldn’t take it anymore, and this was the straw that broke the camels back. Little did he know, Sirius’ actions to cause those events were the culmination of his unraveling. He couldn’t take the sexual tension between them, so, he tried to ease it. Though Remus was, as usual, none the wiser. He thought that it was so unlikely that Sirius would ever want to be with him, that this was all somehow a game, or a trick, or, a misunderstanding. It wasn’t because he thought Sirius was a bad person, it was because he thought he was an undeserving person. Finally, he turned to look at him, and tears were already starting to well up in his olive eyes, tears that were the culmination is so much confusion and preemptive heart break. 

“No! No, I do not want to do any of that,” He shouted, he barely could speak a few words before his tone broke, and emotion erupted from his voice. Sirius was so taken aback, he was so confused and so hurt as to why he was acting like this. He’d clearly snapped for some reason, but he had no idea what he had done to cause this. His heart broke into a million pieces at the possibility his chance with Remus had fully gone, and he had somehow ruined it without even knowing. He felt so defeated, but still, he pressed on. “Moony?” He had a lot more control over himself than Remus did, and all that would be picked up from his words was a light quiver, which was nothing compared to the shaking hurt he felt to his very core. It hurt him so badly to see Remus cry in general, and it hurt even more to know he had somehow been the cause of this. “Don’t ‘Moony’ me...” He spoke meekly, his voice wasn’t above a whisper now, he was trying to keep himself from speaking in all out hysterics. The dam behind his eyes had been broken, and he tried his best to keep from overflowing. Sirius stepped a bit closer to him, the creaky floorboards of the common room punctuated his every movement. “Remus...” He corrected himself, his voice soft with worry and compassion, and somehow that made Remus even sadder, he knew he could never have that, that Sirius would never care for him in the way he cared for him. He was trying so hard to push him away so he didn’t inevitably hurt him, and yet there he still was, trying to help him. He didn’t deserve Sirius in so many ways, he thought, and this was just another long list of reasons. “Remus... What are you so upset about, is everything okay? Please, talk to me, I want to help... or at least apologize,” He spoke softly, trying to put as much love in his tone to coax him into opening up, which was very hard for him as his heart was slowly breaking with each tear that fell from Remus’ eyes. He wished things could be easier for them, but, he supposed that things that were easy weren’t worth having anyways. But even so, he thought they deserved a little bit of simplicity. Remus sniffled at his words, and Sirius was compelled to step closer, even if his presence wasn’t the most welcomed that it had ever been- he couldn’t just stand there and do nothing. Remus didn’t push back though, or back away, Sirius’ presence really was welcomed- in fact, he needed it. He cried even harder because he was pushing him away, and yet he still cared enough to stay. None of this made sense to him. 

“You can’t keep toying with me!! I won’t let you. You can’t keep leading me on, I know you’ll never feel about me the way I feel about you!! You’ll never love me...” Remus’ tone changed from angry to unbelievably sad as he vented his feelings. Sirius’ jaw dropped at his words. Remus... loved him? Remus John Lupin... loved him. It was unfathomable, he couldn’t wrap his mind around that. Out of everyone on the planet... he chose him, he couldn’t believe it. His heart didn’t just skip a beat- it forgot how to work entirely for a minute or two. He wanted to shout it from the roof tops and brag about it to everyone he knew. The prettiest, smartest, kindest boy at Hogwarts, that he had spent so long lining for loved him. But, he couldn’t even enjoy this moment because, he thought he didn’t love him back. His heart hurt at that, he didn’t even know where to begin. He didn’t even know where to start- how could he convince him of something that was already so bloody obvious? He could sense Remus’ cues better than anyone, and he could sense he had something more to say. So, he stayed silent, and let him finish, but, he didn’t stay where he was. He slowly made his way closer to him. Remus paused briefly to collect his thoughts, and once he found them, he spoke again. “Did Lily put you up to this? Because I’m so desperately in love with you- and I have been. Did she ask you to just, lead me on like this? Because you just feel sorry for me? I can’t, I can’t do it. I won’t do it anymore” Remus overwhelmed himself with his words, and buried his face in his hands, he didn’t want Sirius- or anyone for that fact, to see him in such a vulnerable way. He trusted Sirius enough to see him in such a vulnerable way, but still, it was hard. Sirius made the final steps over to him, and was merely inches away from his face when Remus looked back up. He was so close to him, he could feel his breath against his skin and his words ghosting against his own lips as he spoke, “Remus...” He cooed, not sure what to say but, hoping saying his name in such a way would make him feel better. 

And, strangely enough, it did. Relief washed over Remus, he sniffled a bit again, and his sobs were much more hushed. Sirius looked at him with a look of adoration so evident that it was nearly tangible, he wanted to let his actions speak for him because he knew words wouldn’t do him or his feelings justice in this situation. He knew Remus very well, he knew telling him he loved him would do nothing to persuade him, actions might. He wiped a tear away with the pad of his thumb, tenderly holding his face and chin steady with his other hand. This elicited a swarm of butterflies to come alive because of being touched there. “Why are you so close to m-me,” Remus stuttered, asking in complete disbelief. He had no idea why he’d want to be, not after his outburst. Sirius laughed, as if the answer wasn’t completely obvious: it was because he loved him, too. “I can’t console you from all the way over there, now can I?” He crooned sweetly, kissing his slowly falling tears away as his words left him. His tears were fewer and farther between, he was calming him down, and he was happy with that. He wasn’t used to being the calm one between them. He guessed that maybe this was his way of repaying Remus for all those times of calming him down; all those times of just saying all the right things to make him feel better. His hands fell from his his face to his hips, which held him tighter as he sensed he was comfortable. He trailed his kisses down his cheeks, until they were right above his lips. Remus whimpered in anticipation, and how great his hands felt on his hips. He wanted to feel his lips on his so badly, his dream for so many years was less than an inch from being realized, he was elated. He was melting into his touch, and Sirius was probably keeping him up now. “I love you too, Moony,” His tenderness was as sweet as sugar, but, laced with a very evident lust. They were right back where they left off that morning, they wanted each other terribly. Remus was in awe, but he still couldn’t believe it. He wanted to believe it so badly, he wished more than anything it was true. But still, he couldn’t help but feel he was doing this because he felt sorry for him. “Don’t lie to me...” His words ghosted against Sirius, they were so close that now the tips of their noises were touching. “Why on earth would that be a lie?” Sirius asked, though, he had a feeling why. But, he wasn’t going to get into why whatever insecurities he had shouldn’t be felt. By the time they were done that night, he was going to make him feel so good about himself, but, that had a time and place. The place, his bed, and the time, later. He was far to dizzy to formulate a proper sentence right now and properly express his feelings. Remus was even more beautiful up close, his eyes were so much more green up close, and his lips looked so much more plump and kissable up close. Remus didn’t say anything either, and didn’t answer his question, but they both knew why he’d feel that way. Remus chose not to say anything because he didn’t want to ruin such a moment with his insecurities. Sirius couldn’t take it anymore, he gripped his hips steady with one hand, and his other trailed from his hips to a bit lower on his body. His hand cupped the clothed flesh of his ass, but, did nothing more than that. His presence there was tantalizing enough, Remus wanted him so badly. He ranted him to grab him and touch him all over, fuck, he could rip him apart if he wanted to. “Can I kiss you?” Sirius whispered, his voice already raspy with want, he was getting so drunk off of want and they hadn’t even done anything yet. Remus wasn’t experienced enough for Sirius to be embarrassed getting like this in front of him. God- he was going to be his first kiss- he wasn’t sure if he was his first kiss in general but, he was definetly his first kiss with a boy. No matter what Remus saw when he looked in the mirror, Sirius didn’t see a werewolf- he was a pure, angelically beautiful boy. 

And he couldn’t wait to sink his teeth into that purity and rip it apart. Remus couldn’t believe he’d just asked him that, he felt as though he was going to faint. He let out a groan at the feeling of his hand at his ass, he nodded with enthusiasm. “Yes... please... please” He begged with even more enthusiasm, starting to tremble. He loved him so much he was trembling. Sirius felt himself start to get a bit hard at his enthusiasm, it felt so amazing to be wanted by a boy he’d been wanting for so long. In the beginning, Remus hated himself for liking Sirius. He felt disgusting and he felt sick, and thought he had misinterpreted him and his kindness. Little did he know, all the actions he thought he misconstrued, were Sirius’ bread crumbs, trying to lead him to him. It was all so clear to him now, and as their lips connected, he wished he would’ve caught on to what was in front of him sooner.

This was it, this is what so many years finally led up to; and it was worth every second of waiting. Their lips were barely touching, breathing in each other’s air, and feeling their breaths brush against their skin. Until they could take it no more, and everything happened so fast. Before Remus knew it, Sirius had him pushed up against the common room wall, pinning him there, pinning him against the wall with his strong hands. He ran his shaky hands through his long black hair as their kiss intensified. He tugged at it a bit, pulling at it a bit harder as Sirius’ grabbed at him harder. Sirius groaned into his open mouth, it felt so good to be touched by him, his hands in his hair felt amazing. Remus whimpered, his groan was so low and throaty, it made him unbelievably weak. He couldn’t believe he had been the cause of it either, he was in such awe that someone like him could want him the same way he wanted him. Never in his wildest dreams could he ever have expected his love be reciprocated. He still felt like this was a dream, and he was afraid to pinch himself, for fear he’d wake up. And, with his luck, he’d wake up having overslept for an exam, and that this had all been a dream. Because he’d done that a lot, he’d dream of him and Sirius, and unfortunately he’d wake up and none of it was real. But, this felt pretty real; the hand on his ass, grabbing him possessively and harshly felt deliciously real, and, the tongue swirling around his felt pretty real too. This all felt so amazing, a goodness that was so foreign to him. Sure, he’d kissed girls before, but, it never felt like this. It never felt this good, Sirius had such a way about him, and had such a power over him. But, all good things had to come to an end. Well, not really an end, it was just a pause. 

They had to come up for air, and Sirius admired how pretty he was once he opened his eyes again. He looked so pretty, so breathless. He was panting so sinfully, his hair was messed and disheveled, and his cheeks were stained with a sheer vermillion that took his breath even further way, he was so fucking gorgeous, especially like this. Sirius kissed softly, and sloppily, down his jawline, and to the crook of his neck. He kissed the soft skin he found there, and smirked against his skin as he heard Remus sigh with longing, he liked the feeling of his lips there. He sucked the skin underneath his lips, leaving marks of purple and red behind. Remus slowly withered away underneath him, it felt so good. “Sirius...” He sighed, and a hushed moan escaped from his lips, his eyes felt heavy and fell half lidded, Sirius looked up, he was so unbelievably pretty like that. His name sounded so sacred on his lips, he said it so sweetly and so strained. He ran his hand over his member, and he felt the boy underneath him start to quiver. Sirius moaned at the realization that hit him, he was the first person to ever touch him in such a way. “Sirius... please,” Was all Remus could think to say, he wasn’t even exactly sure what he was begging for. It was all so overwhelmingly good, he couldn’t think of anything else to say other than please. This was all so foreign to him, but, he really wanted to get acquainted with this new feeling. Sirius repeated his action, but it wasn’t just a slight touch. This was definite, he rubbed him through his pants, and relished in the sounds that poured from his mouth like honey. He let out a series of whimpers at the unexpected feeling, followed by a very loud moan. Remus had never felt so good in his entire life, his hand on him there... touching him there... felt like heaven. “Fuck... Moony...” He was thrown off by that, he didn’t expect him to make such sounds so loudly just quite yet. He was going to be the death of him in the best way possible. He rubbed his member harder through his pants, relishing in every sound that slipped through his parted lips, throwing his head back as best he could. He was completely losing himself in pleasure of all of this, this was all so new to him, and was all so unexpected. Sirius couldn’t wait to show him even more, and make him feel even better. He traced his tongue over another one of his scars on the sensitive skin of his neck, and left another hickey in its place. Remus whimpered, it felt so good, it all felt so good. All of the marks he was leaving were just physical reminders of their night together. The purple and red blooming on his neck, was just a symbol of what was blooming between them. Every mark he left, was followed by a sweet, soft kiss over it, and Remus couldn’t help but melt at the tenderness of it. He was being so gentle with him, while being so dominate over him- he was getting dizzier and dizzier by the minute. 

He needed him, he needed him so badly. The skilled movements of his teeth and tongue on his neck, and his hand on his clothed cock, he was growing weaker, he needed more. Sirius was like heroin to him, one hit was never enough- and Remus craves the euphoria that only he could give him. “Sirius... I want you... please,” He moaned, not caring how needy or desperate he sounded- because, he was. He needed him so badly, his member was pressing painfully against his tight jeans. The words felt foreign on his lips, he’d never spoken to anyone in such a way- but, he couldn’t help it. Sirius brought it out of him in full force. He liked the affect his words had on him, and could catch him off guard. Sirius had no idea how someone could still sound so pure while saying such filthy things. He wasn’t even sure what he was going to do, he’d dreamed of this moment. But it was just that, dreams. He hadn’t actually planned what he’d do, he’d never expected Remus Lupin to moan out that he wanted him- it sounded better in real life than he ever could’ve imagined. “So badly.....” Remus continued, biting at his bottom lip to contain some of his sounds. Sirius ground his hips against his, hard. Just so he could see the affect his words had on him, and how much he wanted him too. They moaned loudly as their hard members touched, though both covered by clothes. Sirius couldn’t help himself, he needed to feel his lips on his again. Their kiss was rougher than the first one was, they were no longer testing the waters. Sirius dove head first into the deep end, and wanted to bring Remus with him. He used Remus’ still parted lips to his advantage, and prodded his tongue into his mouth while he was letting mewls escape from it. Remus’ hands found their way onto Sirius’ shirt, and fumbled with the buttons. Sirius lost himself completely at the feeling of his hands on him, and kissed him so hard he was sure his lips would bruise. He sucked on his tongue, and his own hands made their way from his ass to the top button of his pants. Remus whimpered, he was so desperate for this, he was so desperate for him. Sirius wasn’t sure what was more obscene- the sounds their mouths were making as their kiss became sloppier, or, the moans escaping Remus’ lips. He lost himself completely in the sweet symphony of his soon to be lover, love and lust consumed him fully. He’d never wanted anyone so badly before. He undid the button of his pants, and started to tug at the zipper, but he stopped himself. Sirius pulled away, and kissed his lips once more, quickly and softly, and trailed a path just like them to his ear, and spoke just as softly. “Not here, I wanna have you properly.... get you all spread out... taste you completely.... fuck....” He whispered, list overtook him, and his thoughts and plans for later were starting to overwhelm him, and how Remus was mewling and the sounds he was making as he tried to catch his breath weren’t helping him any. He took his lobe between his teeth, toying with him there once more, taking in every bit of him. He was so much prettier up close, he smelled so much sweeter up close. He would treasure everything about this moment, and the confession that took place here forever. Even if it was a bit of a journey to come to it, he would treasure it every time he’d think of it. He grabbed Remus by his wrist, and held it possessively. He led him and Remus followed him with eagerness. He was taking him to the boy’s dormitory, and Remus couldn’t wait to have whatever Sirius was going to do to him.

He tugged him still, leading him to his bed, and Remus was all too eager to follow him, this was better than he could’ve ever imagined it being. But, they were moving too slow for Sirius’ liking, he picked him up, and firmly held him steady in his arms. Picking up immediately from where they left off, their lips found each other once more. Sirius licked and swallowed Remus’ delicious moans; and their noses bunked into each other’s as they kissed each other with emphatic need. Remus cupped his face with both hands, never wanted to be separated again, this was a sensation that burned inside of him when he couldn’t have it. He needed this; and he had no idea how he’d survived without this for so long. Few pleasures could compare to being kissed and being held by Sirius Black. He gently placed him on his bed, which was a subtly that wasn’t lost on Remus. He liked how he treated him, he liked being treated like he was breakable. He wasn’t a monster in his eyes, he wasn’t a werewolf- he treated him like pure white porcelain; priceless and irreplaceable. He’d never been looked at in such a way; it was much more than staring, they were gazes of adoration. Sirius wanted to take every inch of him in, every breath he made, every whimper that came from his lips, he treasured, he savoured. Remus had never been so happy as when he felt his back hit the soft mattress. He felt Sirius’ body weight on top of him as he straddled his waist. He looked up at him, desperation and need radiating from his hopelessly green eyes. He loved Sirius so much, he admired in awe just how effortlessly perfect he looked above him. His long black hair framed his face as he looked down at him, and fell like onyx silk. 

Remus moved to tuck a piece behind his ear. Sirius smiled warmly down at him, he didn’t even know where to start with him- there was so much he wanted to do. He moaned at the feeling of him touching him in such a way, in such a place; this had all happened so fast. The feeling of his hands on him, him grinding against him as he kissed and bit at his bruised neck made him dizzy. Scars no longer were the only marks adorning his neck, blooms of purple and pink now lay there as well. And, some of them were much too high to cover, but, that was future Remus’ problem. He didn’t dare tell him to stop or to change anything he was doing, this was all way too good. It was like it was right out of a dream. He bit his lip to silence himself, fearing that someone besides the two of them could possibly hear them. Sirius let out a growl against his skin “Please don’t be quiet, love. I’ve waited to hear you like this for so long...” His words were the exact opposite of his growl; totally free of harshness. They were smooth and raspy, and his breath was a warm comfort against his skin as he spoke. Remus groaned, at the content of his words and the way they made him feel. He still couldn’t believe his feelings were being reciprocated, and that Sirius liked him the way he liked him. He still struggled to come to terms with it; it was weird acknowledging something he had convinced himself was impossible, was in fact possible. Before he knew it, Sirius’ hands were at the bottom of his sweater, eager to pull it off of him. “Can I?” He asked, his blue eyes were darkened with lust, he wanted him so badly. Remus melted at the intensity of his gaze, and nodded with more enthusiasm than he had ever thought possible; he wanted him just as badly. “Yes, please,” He replied, desperately. If his nodding and the look that was in his own eyes didn’t make it abundantly clear, he wanted him to take it off more than anything in the world. 

Remus even raised his arms to make it easier for him to take it off; it was an action he had never done before. It felt so foreign to him, this all felt so foreign to him. He was happy his first time experiencing all of this was with Sirius. Sirius smirked at his enthusiasm, at his eagerness. Remus’ eyes went wide as he watched the smirk tug at his lips, entranced as always by his beauty. “Good boy,” He breathed against his lips, kissing him once more. Remus mewled at his praise, the simple two words affected him more than he ever expected them to. The grey wool sweater was discarded to the edge of his bed as Sirius connected their lips again in a long kiss. They both couldn’t help but think to themselves how much they had missed the feeling of their kiss in the short time they’d gone without it. Sirius fumbled with Remus’ tie; and he smiled against Remus’ now slightly swollen lips. As the knot came undone in his hand; the irony was not lost on him. He’d been the one to tie it that morning, and he was also the one to untie it that night. He wasn’t expecting that to happen but, he was still overjoyed by the realization just the same. As he felt the tie leave him, and join his sweater, it all felt so real. It hit Remus in a way it hadn’t before, this was happening. His heart raced faster as he felt his shirt being undone as well, button by button. Their teeth clicked as Remus intensified their kiss; running his hands in his hair as he massaged his tongue with his. He felt the cool night air that filled the room brush against his chest; he’d never been so bare in front of anyone, he’d never been so exposed. Sirius pulled it off of his shoulders, and his arms; leaving Remus fully on display for him. He pulled away, and opened his eyes so he could take him all in. His slender torso was covered in scars, some looking fresher than others. He’d never seen anyone so pretty; his fingers traced his fading wounds, and the way his ribs protruded a bit from his pale skin. “You’re gorgeous,” Sirius said simply, in a bit of awe, still taking every inch of him in. Remus could say nothing, and blushed not only at what he said, but how he said it. He’d never been spoken to in such a way, and Sirius said it so easily, and stated it as if it was fact, as if it was so much more proven than just a simple slip of the tongue, or a simple musing. 

It was as if it was fact, as if he couldn’t be told otherwise. Remus whimpered, but by no means wanted the touching or the compliments to stop. But, he was still so unsure of himself, still so shy. He moved his arms to cover himself; he didn’t want Sirius to see him like that. He was working up the courage to look at himself in the mirror, let alone be so vulnerable in front of someone as seemingly flawless as Sirius. Sirius didn’t like this at all, he couldn’t believe someone as pretty as Remus could be so shy. It pained him that he didn’t see what he saw. He took both of Remus’ slim wrists in his large hand, and pinned them above his head so he couldn’t do that anymore. He wanted Remus to know he didn’t have to be shy, and, that he loved what he saw.

Remus whimpered at the unexpected dominating act; and melted into the mattress. His mouth fell and he moaned as Sirius loomed over him, and he gripped at Remus’ wrists harder, so he’d be sure he knew who was in charge between the two of them. “Don’t be shy... bloody hell, you’re perfect...” Sirius whispered, his lips finding the familiar place of the crook of his neck, kissing there tenderly. Remus mewled, the word ‘perfect’ lingered with him. He didn’t feel perfect, at all. If anyone was perfect between the two of them, he thought it sure as hell wasn’t him. His cheeks burned now, he was so flustered. Sirius trailed his lips down, and his warm breath ghosted against his skin, following. He kissed his chest, his lips and tongue exploring every inch of his soft skin. His tongue flicked against his skin, tracing a scar or two and Remus sighed sweetly and needingly underneath him. He nipped and bit at his skin, and lapped his tongue over the marks he made hazily. “I’ve wanted you like this for so god damn long...” Sirius groaned, his trailing off and fading as he flicked his tongue experimentally against one of Remus’ nipples. Remus bit his lip, “Sirius...” fell from his lips faintly, and Sirius smirked. Remus was so eager, he was so innocent, and he longed for more. He wasn’t sure what ‘’more’ meant, but, he wanted it. His pants became tighter, and his member pushed painfully against them. “H-How long....” Remus asked through strained breath, he needed to know. And without hesitation, Sirius answered, suppressing a groan of his own. “Third year, moony, fuck...” He took his nipple fully in his mouth, and rolled his tongue against it as he bit it slightly between his teeth. He rolled the other between his fingers, and relished in the sounds coming from Remus’ lips. The grip against his wrists never lessened, and he moaned as his words hit him like a ton of bricks. Third year... he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Sirius trailed lower on his body, kissing the pale, scarred skin of his abdomen, raking his teeth over his skin gently as he went further down. “Wow... that’s even longer than I’ve liked you...” Remus thought out loud, his words scattered through moans and whimpers, but, were still there just the same. 

Sirius laughed, not at him though, at just how innocent he sounded as he said it; paired with the juxtaposition to the sounds coming from him, and the situation they were both in. He truly sounded as if he was none the wiser, which really surprised Sirius. He didn’t know he kept his affections so hidden, he thought he had known all along. “Why are you so surprised?” Sirius asked with genuine curiosity, he was still in such disbelief, he really thought Remus had known all this time. He traced his scars with his tongue, and Remus quivered beneath him, and Sirius took note of how particularly sensitive he was to that. He did it again, testing the waters, and Remus moaned, and tried to collect his thoughts enough to answer, but, Sirius was making that particularly hard. “Well.. someone as pretty as you.. wouldnt want someone like me” Remus finally answered, still with the same shyness. It felt silly to hear his own insecurities and thought process be voiced out loud but, still, nevertheless, he felt the same way. He couldn’t even talk sense into himself, but he really hoped Sirius could. Sirius frowned against his stomach, and he didn’t really know what to say. He hated that he thought like that, he hated that he thought that somehow Sirius was ‘settling’ for him. He hated that. Remus was his dream come true; what he loved and held the most dear to him above all else. “God, don’t talk like that... you’re so fucking pretty, look at you baby, look at you...” He peppered sweet kisses to punctuate each one of his praises. Remus blushed even harder if that was at all possible, and wished his hands were free so he could cover himself up again. He felt so exposed, and even if the gaze that met his was loving, it was still a lot for him to handle. He liked the pet names Sirius had been calling more than he’d care to admit, they were so loving and so sweet. Every time he called him ‘baby’, his heart skipped a beat, he’d been longing for such affection for so long. Sirius sucked another lovebite into his skin, wanting to decorate his torso in them as well. “I’d rather not,” Was all Remus could respond with, Sirius made words so difficult, he made thinking so difficult. His mind was quickly going blank and fuzzy, quickly succumbing to every bit of pleasure Sirius gave to him. “I could look at you all day, you’re so fucking pretty, baby....” His voice trailed off yet again as he kissed him, unable to go seconds without showing him a bit of affection. Remus mewled, seeming to have withdrawals of his own. His reactions only egged Sirius on, he was so response and so eager. “And fuck, I have been. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed- James notices all the time, and hell does he let me have it” Sirius continued, laughing at his own folly as he spoke. He felt a bit embarrassed admitting that, but, he felt comfortable doing so in front of Remus, so embarrassment quickly subsided. If Remus could be so vulnerable, Sirius thought he owed him the same. Remus couldn’t believe what he was hearing- who knew, what he and Lily discussed... Sirius and James did as well. He was so glad Sirius could tell him that, because never in a million years would he have noticed that. 

“Really?” Was all Remus could ask yet again, and Sirius laughed. He couldn’t believe he was still so shrouded in disillusionment- Sirius played the part of ‘just a friend’ terribly and he knew it- and so did everyone else; he couldn’t believe Remus didn’t know it. Sirius smirked, “Well, angel, Ill give you a hint... normal friends don’t sleep in each other’s beds, and normal friends don’t dress each other in the morning.” and Remus blushed a carmine as he thought about what he said, he felt foolish for thinking otherwise now that Sirius said it like that. And, he also really liked being called angel, and all of the other sweet things he called him. Sirius smirk turned a bit fonder, and he stroked his cheek and felt how hot it was. His eyes grew halflidded as stroked his rosy cheek with his thumb, “What are you blushing for, baby... what are you thinking about?” and Remus looked at him with half lidded eyes of his own. “Everything, really. I just... really like it when you call me those sweet things... I like it a lot.” He murmured, his eyes darting away from just as soon as the confession left his lips. “Call me angel again... please...” He begged, it made him feel so warm. He’d waited so long to hear him call him things like that, and it was the opposite of how he felt about himself. It was the highest form of praise and reassurance he could possibly think of. “Fuck, you’re so adorable... ‘course I’ll call you whatever you want to be called, angel. So perfect...” He praised again, never getting tired of saying it and Remus never got tired of hearing it, whimpering softly at his praisings. “Didn’t you ever catch me?” Sirius asked, referring to his staring, continuing with his train of thought, and he cocked his brow in his own disbelief. And Remus thought for a moment, and tried to explain and verbalized his thoughts as best as he could. It was hard trying to put what he had spent so many years bottling up into words. 

It was freeing to finally say them out loud, but strange to say them to the man he’d never thought he’d say them to. “I did, but, I always just assumed... there was something wrong with me, or something. That’s why you were staring,” Remus admitted, locking eyes with him, looking down to meet him. He watched Sirius’ expression change, it changed to one of a sadness of sorts; he knew he wasn’t going to laugh anymore, for one thing. “How could you ever think such a thing? You didn’t stare at me because there was something wrong with me,” Sirius tried to reason, his tone was just as raspy and still managed to have that tone of seduction only he could keep; but still a bit saddened nonetheless. It felt silly to think such things, now that Remus thought about it. Reflecting on everything they ever said and did together, and Sirius’ behaviour; it all was so obvious now that he was looking at it under an objective microscope. He didn’t really know how to explain himself, “I don’t know, I just... couldn’t believe that it could ever be true.” But still, he tried. “Do you believe it’s true now, love?” Sirius asked, and a smile formed on Remus’ face. “I think I do..” He replied, and a smile tugged at Sirius’ lips to match. “Believe it soon, please. I love you, Remus.” He told him, how shyly and truly, he was in love with every bit of him. And he’d make him fall in love with himself too, one of these days. Remus quickly became overwhelmed, tears even started to well up in his eyes at his wording. They were happy tears, of course. He’d never been so happy, and he knew such a feeling would probably never fade. 

“I love you too... a lot...” He replied, and meaning every single word of it, his voice shaking nearly as much as he was. He was still trembling a bit underneath him, pleasure like this was so foreign to him, happiness like this was so foreign to him. Sirius was radiating every single emotion he was feeling back to him, and peridot met sapphire again, locking eyes and saying what words never could. Sirius trailed his lips down his stomach, to the waistline of his pants. Remus’ heart raced faster as he knew what was coming next, he watched him with wides eyes, moaning with anticipation and need and Sirius hadn’t even done anything. Sirius smirked, it made him so happy and also turned him on so much to hear him so eager, to see him be so willing. He felt so lucky to be able to see him be so vulnerable, his trust was everything to him. “Let me show you I love you... can I?” He spoke so softly and gently, looking up at him with kind blue eyes, long eyelashes fluttering as he waited for his response. He knew what it was going to be, but, he still wanted to make sure he had his full consent every step of the way. He knew he was really inexperienced, and didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed in a bad way, or in anyway pressured. 

It warmed Remus’ heart and made him smile every time Sirius asked him for permission to do things to him. Because, of course he knew the answer was yes; but, he still cared enough to ask. He truly cared for him, and he was so grateful for that care. Remus was completely breathless now, and his brain was seconds away from short circuiting, he couldn’t believe this was about to happen. He but his lip, and nodding as enthusiastically as he always had. His eyes momentarily left him, he didn’t want to meet his gaze while he sounded so desperate, and said such filthy things. “Pl-please, I... I want you so badly...” He whimpered, stuttering through his plea. Sirius groaned, and started to undo the top button of his slacks with immediacy. He’d never seen someone sound so adorable and innocent all while being half undressed and begging to have his pants unzipped, he was surely going to be the death of him.

He pushed the top button of his pants through the slit in the fabric with his tongue, and his teeth pulled them open. He undid the top button his his pants, and all that was left was his zipper. Remus was so hard beneath him, and needed to be touched. Sirius’ beautiful face was mere inches away from his cock; it seemed like a whirlwind, it felt like only seconds ago he was crying in his arms in the common room. He’d never thought that he’d be here... and Sirius would be there; and they’d both be like this. It was too good to be true; and rather than focus on the impossibility, he lost himself in the moment. Mostly, because he had a fear that if he pinched himself, he’d wake up or something. Sirius rubbed his thighs, looking up at him as his eyelids fell nearly shut, and he let out a soft whine. He was so touched starved, the still of his hands felt like heaven. He needed him, and he wasn’t used to being teased. Sirius couldn’t get over how adorable he was. He ran his hand over the blatant bulge in his pants, and Remus moaned at the gesture, Sirius had never seen someone so responsive. He ran the tip of his nose over his zipper, their eyes meeting again, and Remus was watching everything he was doing. He was watching, and learning, he’d never done or seen anything like this before. 

His tongue darted along the skin just above his pants, drawing this out as long as possible to get Remus begging, and to draw more and more sounds from him. Sirius traced circles in his hips with his fingers, and Remus squirmed ever so slightly, he’d never been touched in such a way, but he really liked it. Sirius’ teeth caught the zipper between them, and pulled it down. He grasped the fabric on his thigh and pulled them down and off; throwing them to join his sweater and dress shirt beside them. Remus’ breath was more erratic than ever, and he had barely any remnants of cohesive thought as Sirius grabbed his member through his boxers, and Remus groaned and his eyes fell fully closed. Sirius could feel how hard he was beneath the fabric of his boxers, “Fuck, someone’s eager...” He scoffed, his cocky smirk still as present as ever on his soft lips. He wanted to tease him still, and crawled back up his nearly naked body, and his breath ghosted on his skin. Gingerly, his lips traced his skin, tormenting him by never touching, just letting them linger softly. Remus groaned in impatient ness now, he was so close before- he wanted him so badly. Remus blushed at his words, an even embarrassed glow decorated his cheeks. They were eye to eye now, and Remus felt crushed by the intensity of his gaze. He felt completely powerless, and he loved it. It was him pinned to the bed, it was him who wasn’t in control; and it was Sirius hovering over him. “Hey.... I, I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted you” Remus pouted, trembling ever so slightly as Sirius grazed his teeth against his neck, and sucked harshly at the sensitive skin behind his ears. “I wasn’t either love,” Sirius whispered hungrily, and ground his hips against Remus’; both of them moaning as their hard members touched. Remus mewled as he felt how hard he was against his thigh. “It’s not a bad thing to be eager, angel... do you want me to help you with that?” He asked, stroking his dick through his tented boxers, and Remus nodded feverishly, he wasn’t even sure what exactly Sirius meant by that, but he was willing to take anything he could get. “What do you mean?” Remus asked shakily, his voice already raspy from making so much noise. Sirius squinted at him, trying to tell if he was kidding or not. “Have you never been sucked off before?” and Remus shook his head no, but with not as much enthusiasm. “Fuck, you’re so cute...” He hummed against his neck, his breath tickled his skin, and Remus moaned, “P-Please, Sirius” He stuttered, and Sirius went right back to where he started as soon as the plea left his lips. He was so pure, and so innocent; he wanted to take that innocence, he couldn’t get over how adorable he was. 

Sirius was inches away from his dick, and Remus still didn’t believe this was all happening. In all his fantasies, this was the farthest they’d ever gone- but they were just that; fantasies. He’d never believed this could ever actually happen, and yet he was right there in front of him. He whimpered in a deeper impatience as Sirius licked at his tented boxers, which were already damp with precum. Finally after what felt like forever, he pulled his underwear off, freeing his member from the confinement. Remus whimpered as the air of the room brushed up against his cock, and as Sirius now held him in his hand, clothing no longer separating them. He felt so on display, especially compared to the fact Sirius was completely and fully clothed still. Sirius stroked his cock, his pace consistent and in no rush, wanting to warm Remus up to it and get him used to being touched like this. Remus’ mouth immediately fell open, letting out a string of moans he couldn’t hold back. It felt so much better to actually be touched by him, than to pretend it was him when he touched himself. “It feels so much better when you do it!-“ He blurted out, and Sirius smiled and realized what he meant by that, “I should hope so gorgeous... do you touch yourself often?” He asked calmly and smoothly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and what people usually discuss. And Remus didn’t want to answer, he felt ten times more on display now than he did before, even though he was no more undressed- but he was much more exposed. Remus didn’t now how he could keep so cool while jerking him off, his tone was still so steady. He shook his head, indicating he was going to stay silent, and suddenly Sirius stopped. “Answer me, love. Or, I’m gonna stop.” Sirius told him, his voice was rough and seductive, and Remus succumbed to the power it carried. He liked the subtle reminders that Sirius was the one with the power between them. ”Only when I think of you” Remus admitted, looking back at him now, though he wished he wasn’t, he couldn’t believe he was saying that out loud. Sirius continued, and stroked him faster but more irregularly, the pace wasn’t as set as it was before. He was losing his cool. Sirius groaned, “Fuck... you’re so hot Moony...” was all he could muse, but Remus wasn’t done. He’d figure he might as well bare his soul to him, especially when it made Sirius react in such a way. 

“And I pretend it’s you touching me...” Remus admitted, feeling a bit more comfortable, and he looked him in right in the eyes, finishing his confession finally, “That’s the only way I can... finish,” He ended, moaning a bit at the thought. And Sirius was at a total loss, he didn’t know what to say or where to begin. Images of Remus stroking himself off to the thought of him flooded his mind, and he couldn’t think straight or cohesively anymore. “Do you say my name when you cum?” Sirius asked, a growl present in the tremors of his voice. Remus nodded, and answered quietly, “Every time.” and Sirius thought for a moment, and wondered how best to answer; his mind was racing with different things to say. “Good, because you’ll be saying it a lot tonight.” and Remus cried out as Sirius took him into his mouth without warning, barely giving him time to process what he said.

Remus arched his hips into Sirius’ mouth, trying to get him to take more of him in. Sirius bobbed his head up and down on his cock, holding his hips down with his free hand so he wouldn’t squirm so much. He stroked what he couldn’t get into his mouth, perfectly in time with the movements of his mouth. Remus couldn’t help but groan loudly, and was so far gone he couldn’t even try to keep them quiet. Sirius expertly suppressed his gag reflex and took more and more of him in each time, and Remus wondered how he got so good at doing things like this. He didn’t let that trouble him though; if it didn’t matter to Sirius how unexperienced he was, it shouldn’t matter to him how experienced he was. That would be very hypocritical; and so, Remus thought nothing more of it. And, he barely could think at all, his mind was going blank; all he could think of was how amazing Sirius was making him feel. His teeth gently grazed the side of his cock, as he swirled his tongue around his length. Remus wished more than ever that his hands were free, so he could run his hands through his beautiful black hair and pull it taunt. And touch him the same way he had touched him; and admire that beautiful body of his, and make him feel as good as he had made him feel. Seemingly as if he was able to read his mind, Sirius lets his wrists frees, and smirks at him with lips around his cock. 

Remus whimpered, he had never been so turned on in his life. The grip on his wrists still lingered beneath his skin, they hurt a bit, but it was a good kind of hurt; Remus liked it quite a bit. His hands travelled to his hair, and pulled his black hair taunt as he deepthroated him. “Sirius!!” He whimpered, getting closer to the edge, he’d never felt so good. He could’ve sworn he was floating if not for Sirius’ possessive hands gripping at his hips tightly, keeping him to the bed. He was sure the tips of his fingers would leave bruises behind, and he moaned in absolute pleasure as he saw that his nails were digging into his skin, he hoped that they would soon draw blood. He didn’t know why he wanted such things, but, he liked it when he was rough with him. Sirius was a perfect mix of rough and gentle, he was everything he’d spent so long dreaming he’d be. They maintained eye contact from the haze of their eyelashes as both of their eyes became increasingly half lidded. Sirius swallowed around him, hollowing his cheeks as his hands and lips worked together to make Remus feel better than he’d ever felt before. He felt truly weightless; euphoria was on the horizon, he could see it. “I’m gonna... I’m gonna....” Remus mewled, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Sirius groaned at his innocence yet again, “You’re going to cum, love.” He told him, his voice sent vibrations up his length, and Remus shuddered at how shamelessly filthy his candour was. “Y-yah.... that...” Remus stuttered, as Sirius engulfed him even further into the wet heat of his mouth. His nails dug into the skin of his scalp as he pulled at his hair as he saw nothing but white. Waves of pleasure washed over him as he came undone, and Sirius’ lips were still wrapped around the girth of his cock as he came. His moans became an indiscernible mess of Sirius’ name and a series of slurred curse words. He tried to grip the sheets to steady himself as he slowly came down from his high. He swallowed every drop of cum he released, his own member twitched in his pants as he released in his mouth. 

He was so innocent, he didn’t even know what ‘cumming’ was, he was nearly ethereal. “Sirius...” He whispered finally, running a very tired hand through his hair, and releasing it from his grasp. His cheeks were flush and his breath was rushed, his shoulders were slumped as he moaned over and over again. Sirius released his cock from his mouth, and smiled fondly at him, he stroked his face lovingly and they rested their foreheads against each other. Remus smiled at him as well, their happiness was infectious and radiated from them both. They kissed each other yet again, and Remus tasted himself as Sirius’ tongue pushed past his lips. Remus had never tasted cum before, and he relished in how sinful this all was- and that his cum was on Sirius Black’s tongue. He sucked at his tongue, and Sirius laughed to himself when he realized what he was doing, he really seemed to enjoy the taste of himself. Remus grew more bold, and with shaky hands, he ran them down his torso, feeling how well built he was beneath his layers of clothing. He tried to take off his sweater, but was having a bit of trouble, Sirius smiled against his lips and helped him. Remus came up for air, panting nearly as badly as he had when he had came. He caught his breath yet again, and sighed. Sirius moved his caramel coloured curls out of his eyes, his hair was messy and slightly tousled. He was a panting mess, his hair was messy, his cheeks were flushed and his lips were slightly swollen- Sirius thought he never looked prettier. Remus grinned sheepishly at him, “Wow....” He whispered, “That was incredible.” He continued, a smile and blush as present as ever, and still trying to catch his breath. Sirius kissed his jaw, and spoke against his skin, “I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Sirius crooned, he’d been the first person to ever make him cum, he felt so accomplished. “I didn’t just enjoy it... wow. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that good,” He replied, smiling still, and emphasizing the ‘ever’ in his sentence. Sirius laughed, softly- and, a bit smugly- he was proud of himself that he could make someone feel so good, that he could make the composed Remus Lupin come completely undone. “God, you’re so adorable. You haven’t even felt the best part yet,” and he spoke very suggestively, his smirk was as sinful as it had ever been.

Remus was genuinely confused, he couldn’t possibly imagine anything feeling better than that. “What feels better than that?” He wondered, drowning in the deep blue pools of Sirius’ eyes as he asked. “Sex, Remus.” He answered as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, but, wasn’t so to him. He couldn’t believe that Sirius was planning on doing that, he really, really wanted to but; he didn’t think Sirius would want to do the same. He didn’t want to push his luck, he’d be just fine with this and then going to sleep- he was so happy Sirius was on the same page of him without even having to say anything. Sirius noticed his reaction, and continued speaking. “That’ll feel way better, trust me- the best is yet to come” He paused to laugh at his own unintentional pun, but the joke went over Remus’ naive head. “God, I can’t wait to fuck you... I’ve waited so long...” Sirius whispered, unable to hold himself back anymore. He kissed his collarbones, tracing the protruding bone with his tongue. Remus moaned, as he felt Sirius grip at his thighs, spreading his legs and going between them. Sirius started to undo the button of his own pants, eager to free his own pulsing member. “No.. wait,” He whispered through a groan that was interrupting him. 

But, he immediately regretted his choice of phrasing, Sirius misunderstood what he said, it didn’t come across in the way he intended. Sirius immediately stopped straddling him, and inched away from him, and zipped his pants back up. He looked at him with a deep and apologetic gleam in his eyes. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Of course we can wait. I’m sorry if- I... made you feel like you have to- Oh god. Of course, of course we can wait. You reciprocating feelings is so much more than enough please don’t fe-“ and Remus pulled him back to him by his tie and kissed him briefly to shut him up. Remus smiled, the fact his comfort mattered so much to him meant the world but- that was not at all what he meant. Now, Sirius was looking at him with confusion, and Remus liked being on the receiving end, rather than experiencing it all the time. His smile reassured him but he was still a bit confused. “No, I mean, wait, I want to.. I want to give you one, I want to... make you feel as good as you made me feel” Remus explained, developing a level of embarrassment of his own now, his gaze trailing off and falling from him as he grew a bit timid after telling him what he wanted to do. He didn’t even particularly know why he wanted to do so, he’d never done it before, but, he wanted his cock down his throat. He needed to suck him off. Sirius was no longer confused, he understood him loud and clear; but, he wasn’t going to let Remus knew that. “ “ He toyed with him, all in good fun though, he just wanted to hear him say it, he wanted to say how innocent he sounded when he said it. He didn’t want him to beat around the bush about it. “What, love? What do you want to give me?” He regained his confidence in full, returning to his collarbones and marking them with his teeth as his, leaving his own evidence of their time together. Remus quickly grew flustered, he knew Sirius knew what he was on about. 

“Don’t make me say it...” He stammered sheepishly, “...A blow job. I want to suck your cock. Please, can I?” He nearly pleaded, and Sirius couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he wanted him so badly, and that was apparent in the tone of his voice. That just made Sirius want him all the more. “Fuck, of course you can...” He told him, and he sat up on his knees, and Remus followed his lead. Remus inched closer to him, his face inched away from his tented pants; his eyes went wide as he finally came face to face with his bulge. How hard he was was evidence of how badly he wanted him too; and he looked so hard, painfully hard, Remus noted. Sirius looked at him with a bit of concern and wondered if something was wrong. Remus could read his face without him explaining, “I... I don’t know how. I want to, but I don’t know how.” Remus explained, and Sirius bit his lip, and threw his head back a bit, getting lost in his purity. He smiled down at him, which comforted Remus; he ran a soothing hand through his messy brown hair. “It’s okay, I’ll teach you how to touch me,” He reassured him, and took his hand in his. Remus shivers when he took his hand, and as Sirius led him and guided his hand, he felt that subtle powerlessness he liked so much. He grabbed his hand tighter, and guided his hand to he crotch, and guided him to undo the button, and held his fingers together so he could unzip his zipper. He led his hand to the waistline of his pants, and helped him to grip them; he pulled his pants and his boxers down with them to just bellow his knees. Sirius did the rest of the work, and kicked them off. His member was finally revealed to him, he was so hard, and needed Remus’ attention. He twitched as he watch Remus watch him, and as his eyes went wide as he stared at his impressive length. “What do I do next,” Remus asked, eager to know, wanting to know exactly how to please him. He tangled his other hand in his hair, while his right hand still held his. “Take it in your hand, just how I did to you.” He instructed softly, his sentence flowed like liquor from his lips, as mellow as a purr. But, his voice was still domineering, and still had an element of command to it. He helped Remus to wrap his hand around it, and he groaned at his touch. He started him on a pace, a slow one, guiding him up and down. Remus stroked him up and down, at a pace he’d like on himself, hoping Sirius would like it to. He tried to follow along with the mental notes he took as Sirius was pleasuring him. He moaned, his inexperienced hand felt so good- and he bit his lip as the thought came to him: he was his experience. Remus held his throbbing cock in his hand, and still wasn’t quite sure what to do, even with Sirius showing him what to do. He could see Sirius liked what he was doing but, he still doubted himself quite a bit. “You look surprised, were you not expecting it to look like this?” Sirius asked, a bit confused as to why he was still staring at his member, taking in every detail of it. Remus shuddered, and wasn’t sure how how best to answer, he was a bit embarrassed to be caught just staring, and his blush was evidence of that. “I wasn’t.. expecting it to look like anything. I- I never thought I’d get this far” He explained, which wasn’t a lie. He’d never thought he’d get this far but that didnt stop him from fantasizing, but he never but much thought into those fantasies because he figured they’d never come true. 

His member was so much bigger than he expected. Fuck, no wonder he’d been arrogant and cocky; he thought. “I didn’t think that you’d be so big...” He said barely above whisper, meaning only for it to be heard by himself. His voice brushed against his member, and he moaned at the feeling. But, the comment caught Sirius’ ear. “What was that, love?” He acted as though he couldn’t hear him, and Remus chose to double down on his comments. “You’re really big, I-“ He cut himself off before he said something embarrassing, truth be told he didn’t know where he was going with that. And Sirius knew better than to take him too seriously, considering this was the first cock he’d ever seen that wasn’t his own. But, he still let the compliment go to his head. The longer he stared, the longer his mouth subconsciously water, he wanted him in his mouth so badly. But, he was scared of disappointing him, or not being good at it. So, he put it off for the time being, and just pumped his length for now, stroking quicker this time. The sounds escaping Sirius’ lips were encouragement enough, he leaned closer, his lips nearly touching the tip of his cock. Sirius could sense his willingness, but also his slight apprehension, he pulled at his hair, making him look up at him as he spoke. “Wait, darling, you’ve never sucked cock before have you...” He pretended as if that wasn’t obvious. And Remus looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes. “No... No I haven’t,” He admitted, his voice meek as he still looked at him. His member twitched in his hand under his gaze, and Sirius had to bite his lip to suppress a groan because of his cute he sounded. He knew the answer, he just wanted to hear him say it. His cock would be the first he’d ever suck, the thought of that alone made him want to gag on it. “Teach me?” Remus asked, with a bit of hopefulness in his voice, he wanted so badly to please him. He wanted so badly to be enough for him, and to be able to keep his fancy. “Fuck... Remus...” Was all he could say, only he could make vulgarity sound so sweet.

“Put your lips around the tip, and take it into your mouth,” And Remus was quick to follow his instruction, taking his head past his lips, and overcompensated for his lack of knowledge, and worshiped every bit of him with his tongue. He tasted his precum on his tip, it was a bit salty, but Remus lapped it up with his tongue, and savoured it. Sirius quickly lost his breath, and gripped at his hair tighter, which caused Remus to groan around his cock, which felt great on the sensitive skin of his shaft. “Fuck, keep doing that. And, take more into your mouth, but do it slowly so you don’t hurt yourself.” And Remus nodded, and tried his best to follow his instruction yet again. He took more into his mouth, and tears welled into his eyes as he tried his hardest to suppress his gag reflex. “Good boy... look at how good you are,” Sirius cooed, his voice was gruff but loving just the same. Remus whimpered, and tried to take more in to please him, he wanted nothing more than to make him feel good. He was eager to keep his eye contact, so he could see if Sirius was feeling good, and, he definitely was. His head was already thrown back and eyes half lidded, and gripping at his hair and resisting the urge to pull his hair by the root, and fuck his pretty little mouth over and over again. He swirled his tongue around his length, trying to recreate what Sirius had done to him. “Bob your head up and down on it, like I did to you, you’re so good baby...” He praised, and Remus did just that. He bobbed up and down on his cock, swallowing around his length as he set a sloppy, slow pace. Remus was painfully hard now, all the praise going right to his cock. He stroked himself off as well, the thought of him sucking him off turned him on so much. He hollowed his cheeks and tried to do the absolute best he could, “You’re so good for me, love, look how well you take me” He praised, louder this time, losing his cool. Remus was so happy he could follow his directions so well, and that Sirius was coming undone because of him. His moans and groans were melodic, and music to his ears; he couldn’t believe he was lucky enough to hear them. Drool dripped down Remus’ chin, he looked like such a mess right now and Sirius couldn’t believe how amazing he looked; he’d never been so attracted to someone in his whole life. “Jack off what you can’t fit in your mouth with your hand, love,” Sirius instructed, and Remus wrapped his hand around his length, pumping what parts of his length he couldn’t fit in his mouth. Sirius’ hips buckled against him, he knew his end was soon approaching. Sirius caught on to him touching himself in time with his strokes, and there was something unbelievably hot about that. He groaned at the thought, “You look so pretty sucking cock, look at you” Sirius mewled affectionately through a string of moans, and Remus thought he’d melt from all of the praise. Sirius gripped at his locks, and pulled at his hair, thrusting in and out of his mouth ever so slightly. Remus moaned around his member, loving the feeling of being used. Sirius took that as the green light, and did it more blatantly, fucking his mouth, thrusting in and out of him. “Fuck, angel, you’re so god damn good at this,” Sirius mused through parted lips and baited breath, he knew he wasn’t going to last very long. He could see on Remus’ face that he was close as well, but, he grabbed his hand and held it, not letting him cum. 

Remus whined, but, he liked that Sirius had that control over him. A few more thrusts, and he was gone. “I’m gonna cum sweetheart,” He warned him preemptively, still thrusting in and out of his mouth, finally spilling his release into his mouth. Sirius dug his nails into his scalp, gripping at him and the sheets below as he came. Fire pooled in his lower abdomen, and it was as if lightning struck throughout his entire body. He felt amazing, still holding Remus to his cock, releasing his grasp from him as he came down from his high. “Don’t swallow just yet.... I wanna... see my cum on your tongue,” Sirius commanded, pulling his cock from his mouth, and Remus missed the feeling of it gagging him and filling his mouth. And, as always, Remus did what he was told. He opened his abused mouth and stuck out his tongue and showed it to him, his white release all over his mouth, dripping from the corners of his lips. Sirius’ spent cock twitched, as he saw the sight, he moaned, and let him swallow. Remus did, and, it was a peculiar taste, it was a but tart, and a bit sweet too. He loved it because it was Sirius’. His tongue darted out from his lips to get the cum from the corners of his mouth, and Sirius but his lip at the sight; he didn’t want a drop of it to go to waste. Remus looked up at him, and blushed, he asked him timidly, “Did I do okay?” He was anxious to hear his answer, he really hoped he did do okay. Sirius smiled, and kissed the tip of his nose, and rested his forehead against his. “Of course you did okay, you did better than okay. You’re so good, I don’t usually finish so quickly, that’s how good you are.” Sirius reassured, “Is that a good thing?” Remus wondered, and without a moment of thought, he reassured him again, “Anything with you is a good thing,”

Remus reached out, and fumbled weakly with Sirius’ tie, he still was wearing his dress shirt and tie, but was bare from the waist down. Sirius nudged his hands away from the knot, and undid it himself. Quickly, he grabbed his wrists in his hand once more. He tied them together with his tie, the red and yellow fabric digging into his skin in the best way, his hands rested above his head against the headboard of Sirius’ bed. He moaned as Sirius’ lofty presence closed him in, undoing the buttons of his shirt, one by tantalizing one. Remus wished his hands were free so he could be the one undressing him, and that he could touch him just as he had touched him. He wanted to trace the muscles of his stomach and abdomen, but, couldn’t. He didn’t even bother wasting time taking his shirt off of his body fully, he needed him there and now. He looked so delicious there, bound and withering away in his sheets. He whispered in his ear, softly, “It isn’t too tight, right?” He asked, making completely sure Remus okay. Remus smiled at his concern, and nodded. His smirk came back in full force, and grinded against his hips, holding his bare hips steady as he did so. Remus moaned, and Sirius brought their lips together for a sloppy kiss, both of them groaning into each other’s open mouths as Sirius gripped his body possessively. “I told you I was good with knots,” He pulled away, and whispered gruffly, referencing his comments earlier that morning. Neither of them knew where those comments would’ve led them to, let alone that they’d be living them. “Please... fuck me...” Remus whispered, Sirius kissed his lips again softly, silencing him, trailing his kisses down the middle of his throat, and leaving a purple lovebite right in the middle of his throat, unable to help himself. “Sirius... please,” He begged and who was Sirius to turn something like that down. “Fuck... I can’t fucking wait. God, I bet you’re so fucking tight- I’ve waited so long,” He murmured, and held 3 fingers in front of his lips. and Remus furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Sirius forgot he was new to all of this, so he explained. “Get these wet, it’ll make it a lot easier to get you ready.” and the confusion didn’t leave him, so he asked, “What do you mean.. get me ready?” He asked, and his heart raced in excitement, this was all so new to him, he knew none of this. Sirius bit at his lip, his dirty talk turning them both on as he explained, he couldn’t believe he had to explain this, Remus had no idea how much he turned him on. “Finger you, so it makes it a lot easier to fuck you. I don’t want to break you, Moony, you mean too much to me,” Remus blushed at his answer, and, also winced in preemptive pain at the thought of his cock going inside of him. Remus took his fingers into his mouth, and got them as slick with spit as he possibly could, hoping to get them as lubricated as possible so it would be easier to slide into him and get him ready. 

He worshiped every inch of his skin, licking and getting his digits slick, and Sirius closed his eyes and lost himself in it for while, he was quickly becoming so good at sucking on things. Sirius was reminded of the old saying ‘practice makes perfect’, and Remus was sure to be getting a lot of practice now that he knew he liked him as well. He pulled his fingers from his lips, and a string of saliva connected them until it broke apart. “I’m out of lube right now, but, I promise, since we’re going to hopefully be doing this a lot more often, I’ll get more. A lot more. But, don’t worry, this’ll do for now.” Sirius reassured, and Remus was very happy at the thought of this being much more than a one time thing. His heart fluttered with happiness at the mere thought of it. But, he had something else on his mind as he spoke as well. “Whats lube?” He asked, with all seriousness, never hearing that term before. Sirius almost didn’t want to tell him, he wanted to help preserve some of his innocence, he was as pure as freshly fallen snow, he felt terrible for corrupting that. “It makes it easier to ginger you open and then fuck you, but, I promise, this’ll be good. It’ll hurt a bit at first, but it’ll feel good really soon. But, if you don’t like it, we can stop as soon as you want, don’t feel bad if you don’t like it, and don’t be afraid to tell me, okay?” Sirius told him, and Remus nodded. He felt a flicker of unrest in him, and his heart raced at a million miles a minute, taking in what he said. But, he trusted Sirius fully and completely, and, wanted to do this with him. “I want this so badly, I don’t care if it’ll hurt a bit at first. I trust you,” He crooned, beaming up at him. And Sirius took that comment to heart, he knew Remus better than anyone. He knew saying, ‘I trust you’ meant more than saying ‘I love you’, especially after all he’d been through. He slid a finger inside of his tight hole, sliding it in very slowly to get him used to it. His eyes shot open, and, he wasn’t sure how he felt about this. It wasn’t a bad feeling, it was just very different to anything he’d ever felt. Sirius slid in and out of him, working his finger inside of him, getting him good and used to it until Remus verbally begged for more. “More...” Remus croaked, his voice already raspy, and Sirius obliged. He slid his middle finger inside of him, sliding it alongside his pointer. He curled it inside of him, and Remus squirmed at the intrusion, and Sirius held him still possessively. Remus rocked against his fingers, and Sirius teased at his prostate as he did so. He couldn’t help but groan loudly, it was the best mix of pain and pleasure as he was being stretched open for the very first time. 

It took awhile, but, finally, Remus moaned, “Another... please, Sirius,” he was begging still, he couldn’t wait until he could be prepared enough to take his cock. Sirius smirked at his eagerness, and slid a third one inside of him. His other hand wrapped around Remus’ member, stroking him in time with his thrusts. His thrusts were with much more intent now, brushing against his prostate sometimes, and missing it intentionally others. Remus was panting terribly now, so loud and falling apart so quickly. He was so full, and being stretched so much, “You’re so good...” Sirius mused absently, getting lost in how tight he was; he couldn’t wait until he could feel that tightness around his hard, leaking cock. Remus mewled, it was nearly too much, it felt so good, and he squirmed against the sheets. “Look at you, you’re doing so well Moony,” He cooed yet again, pulling him into a quick kiss again, and Remus kissed back like his life depended on it. Remus whispered against his lips, “Please.... fuck me,” Remus begged, and Sirius kissed him again even though Remus had pulled away to say that. “I’m fucking you now,” He reminded him, toying with him a bit, he knew what he meant, he just wanted him to elaborate. He sighed, “Please... fuck me. Properly. I need you inside of me...” He pleaded, not in the mood to say anything more, he was getting dizzy, and words were becoming more and more difficult. Sirius bit at Remus’ lip, moaning possessively, his desperate words made his hard cock twitched at the melodically sweet pleadings, and pulled each of his fingers out one by one, he was going to give him what he wanted.

Sirius finally took his dress shirt off, rather than just being unbuttoned; exposing every inch of him to Remus. He watched with his mouth agape, drinking him in, and he couldn’t believe how pretty he was up close, and uncovered. He wished more than ever his hands weren’t bound, he wanted to rake his hands down his pale skin. Remus’ heart rattled against his chest, and he was so thankful Sirius couldn’t hear it. He whined in sweet anticipation as Sirius gripped at his hips; and aligned himself at his entrance. He prodded at his opening, “I’m gonna go slow, okay?” and Remus nodded, understanding completely, and he liked that he made sure that he understood completely. “I love you-“ Remus blurted out, and they both laughed a bit at the rushed way it came out. “I love you too, are you 100% sure about this?” He asked, again, just wanting to be completely sure, he cared for him so much. Remus smirked, “Jeez, I don’t know. What does it look like?” Poking a bit of fun at his redundancy. Sirius ducked his head to whisper in his ear, biting his earlobe as he spoke teasingly. “Oh, is that how you wanna be, angel?” He asked, and Remus got goosebumps from not only the way he spoke, but the words that he spoke. His tone was so gruff and so hungry. “I-I guess so,” Remus replied, standing his ground but not very confidently. “I’d rather you be a good boy, than a brat, but, have it your way then, angel.” He whispered even more darkly, his lips clamped down on the area of skin he whispered against; slamming into him as he spoke. “Sirius!” He yelled, which turned into a moan by the time he got to the last syllable of his name. It hurt a lot at first, but, it felt so good the more he got used to it. “Stay... just for a bit so I can get used to it.” And Sirius nodded, whispering sweet nothings and words of praises, staying still, and waiting for Remus to tell him to move. Remus clenched around him to get used to it, and dug his fingernails into the palms of his bound hands, so hard that it nearly drew blood. “Move... please...” He whimpered, rocking his hips for some friction, needing more and begging him to move now that he was used to it. Sirius did so, sliding in and out of him, watching as he was buried inside of him. He held his hips tightly, keeping him from moving so he could set a consistent pace. “You’re so fucking tight, fuck.” He mused, hitting his prostate over and over again, and Remus was sure he was starting to see stars. He moaned, at a volume so loud it was nearing a shout, and Sirius ate it all up. 

He knew they didn’t have much more time to be alone in the common room, so he didn’t have much time to enjoy him being so shameless and so loud. Sirius thrusted aimlessly a few times, and taking him right off guard when he hit hiss sweet spot again; Remus dug his nails into his palms deeper into his skin yet again since he had nothing else to grab on. He felt a warm liquid drip down his wrists, looking up, he saw that it was red. He liked that a lot for some reason, he liked that there would be short term marks left behind to remember this night. Remus rocked his hips in time with Sirius’ timed thrusts, and Sirius held his hips even tighter, digging his own nails into the soft skin of his protruding hipbones, definitely hard enough to draw blood if he kept at it long enough. “Look how well you take me...” Sirius praised, watching his cock disappear into his greedy hole again and again, mesmerized by it, sinking into him time and time again. Remus couldn’t even reply, words would surely fail him, nothing could accurately describe how good he felt now. The only thing that could accurately describe him was pure euphoria, and Sirius was pure heroin, and his words were amphetamine. “You’re so full of me.. look at how well I fill you up” Sirius couldn’t even make it through his own dirty talk, his thoughts becoming convoluted and messy, turning to moans more than anything else. He kissed his lips again, biting at his lip, needing to taste him yet again. “You were made to take my cock Moony, fuck” He praised, with a certain demeaning element that Remus couldn’t get enough of; yet again, he was the perfect combination. Sirius admired the absolute moaning mess that was Remus currently, drinking in the gorgeous sight; watching him take his cock so well, beg for more of it, and look so fucking pretty with his hands tied up. He remembered how he reacted that morning when he talked about knots; he’d assumed he liked to be tied up and... he was right about that. He remembered how he reacted when he touched his throat that morning as well; he quickly become so flustered, he tried to hide it but it was so cutely, painfully obvious. He wondered if he liked to be choked as well. He was such a sub it wasn’t even funny, he wouldn’t be surprised if he did. Making a v shape with his hand, testing if he’d be right about him liking that too. He wrapped his hand around his throat, and Remus moaned louder than he ever heard him, his eyes immediately fluttered shut as he took the situation in. He couldn’t believe that this was really happening, it was too good to be true- was he really doing this to him? The hand around his throat proved to be very convincingly real, he cried out again, his mind going fuzzy, and it was harder to breathe in the best way possible. Sirius groaned at his reaction, “You like that don’t you, fuck, you’re filthy.” He murmured, gripping at the column of his throat harder, still, keeping the pressure safely light, the veins in his hand became more noticeable as his grip harshened. Remus nodded, “Please, keep doing it” He whimpered, mewling each time Sirius slammed back into him. 

He could tell the boy underneath’s end was near, his last remaining hand on his hip moved to wrap around his cock, stroking it in time with his thrusts. His pace was becoming increasingly hazy, he was close to his end as well. They both became tired, their paces both quickly becoming out of sync. Remus quickly came undone, tears welled in his eyes as tidal waves as powerful as monsoons hit him, overwhelming him all at once. “I think I’m gonna c-cum,” Remus announced, using the word Sirius had taught him that night. “Cum for me, sweetheart. You look so pretty when you cum,” He cooed in his ear, a few more strokes of his spent length, and Remus did. He came all over his hand and on both of their stomachs. He came with Sirius’ hand still around his throat, moaning and shouting his name loudly and shamelessly. He went still, his orgasm sent shockwaves through him, soaking the aftermath in as he clenched around Sirius’ member as he still thrusted into him, fucking him through his orgasm. He praised him as he came, telling him his pretty he looked, and how he was so glad Remus was his. Sirius sensed his own end impending, pulsing inside of Remus, he was so close to releasing. “Please... cum inside me,” Remus begged, his voice so hoarse, he was forced to speak in nothing louder than a whisper, he was using that word very liberally now, proud of his new found knowledge. “‘Course baby, fuck...” Was all Sirius could say, rational thought fizzling away; he was a ticking time bomb that didn’t have much time left. One more thrust was all that it took to light the fuse. Sirius came, hard and fast, Sirius watched as it leaked down Remus’ thighs that were decorated with lovebites. He watched fondly just before his vision faded to black for a moment, overwhelmed and overcome with blissful pleasure, bursting inside of him like fireworks.

Sirius collapsed onto the side of the bed next to Remus, and used the last bit of his remaining strength, and reached to untie Remus’ wrists. Remus rubbed the marks they left, and the divots his own nails left. smiling fondly as he did so. Sirius pulled him close to him, and Remus rested his head on his chest, now glistening with a thin layer of carnal sweat. He listened as his heart beat in his chest, the rhythm of it lulled him to sleep, and his now freed fingers absently traced patterns against his skin. Sirius ran shaky hands through his hair, not sure of what to say, and not even being completely sure if words were actually necessary. He just enjoyed the moment as he caught his breath, and enjoyed Remus’ company as he had done so many nights before, but, never in this way. Remus shifted his head so he could look at him, he was so tired, his eyes were still half lidded, but, he still needed to ask him this, it was still eating at him after all of this time. 

“You’re in love with me?” He asked, it was a loaded question, that was oddly phrased to say the least, but even so. He needed the answer. Sirius smiled at him, and answered without a moment of thought, as if he was asking him the most obvious question; like “What’s your name?” or “Where do you go to school?” He continued running his hands through hair, the steadiness of his hand and and then rhythmic beat of his heart calmed him down, and lulled him. “Absolutely, irrevocably, unequivocally, and completly, yes. Yes I am.” Sirius admired proudly, so proud and so lucky to be able to finally admit it, and, just feeling so lucky to be able to love Remus. “I just.. don’t understand why you keep asking if I love you, that’s all,” Sirius continued, speaking gently, knowing the issue was bigger than him, bigger than both of them. Now, it was Remus’ turn to speak without any uncertainty, and he explained himself and his thought process without question or hesitation. “Pretty boys like you don’t love boys like me,” Remus admitted, embarrassed to even think such a thing, but, still. It was something he thought nonetheless. Sirius thought for a moment, he didn’t know how best to answer, but, he tried his best. “Well, I’m glad they don’t, because that means I get to have you all to myself,” He tried to reassure, speaking and smiling at him with earnest. 

“Why would you want a werewolf all to yourself, why do you like me? You could have so much better...” He trailed off, not wanting to think about this anymore, but, was glad he could finally get all of this out in the open, and he was glad that Sirius was actually validating what he was saying, rather than dismiss it. They both knew that it was ridiculous, but, Remus was very glad Sirius didn’t act like it was. That comment hurt Sirius, he got hurt on Remus’ behalf, it pained him he thought such a way. “But you’re so much more than that, to me at least...” Sirius went on, “And, as far as I’m concerned, there is no one better, for me, or. In general, you are the best.” and Remus didn’t know wether he was going to cry or kiss him silly. He was too tired to do either, so, he crooked his neck, and reached to kiss his cheek softly, “I love you,” He told him, his way of thanking him for everything. “I love you too,” Sirius replied, as without question as it had been the first time he’d said it. That was his way of saying he was welcome. Silence stirred between them, settling between the lovers as they laid peacefully, more peaceful than either of them had ever been. Sirius moved a bit, so he could move his curtains, so he could give the two of them some privacy once their classmates came back from dinner. Sirius laughed to himself, “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep my hands off you now... I’ve waited for so long...” He mused, still running his hands through his hair, and Remus blurted out, “Then don’t” in response, which prompted another laugh from him, “I beg your pardon?” He snickered, unsure of what he meant by that, and forced him to elaborate. “D-don’t keep your hands off me, ever. Please.” He replied, indicating displays of affection; public or private were very much welcome. And, Sirius didn’t need to be told that twice, he’d waited so long to be this happy, he sure as hell wasn’t going to hide his love for Remus just because his classmates didn’t understand it. He was more so just proud that Remus could do the same. “God, I love you” He said, without reason or warning, he just had a burning need to say it again. He pulled Remus closer to him, hugging him even tighter. He giggled, unsure of why he was acting like this, but, he sure as hell wasn’t going to question it, he had spent so long dreaming of being dotted on like this. “I love you too” and Sirius sighed, in happiness, love and most of all- folly. He couldn’t believe he couldn’t see what was in front of him all these years, he felt so stupid looking back on all of the memories they’d made together. They were so clearly so much more than friends. “Fuck, why’d we wait so long...” He wondered, thinking out loud, and all of a sudden, the same emotions washed over Remus. “Too dumb, I suppose” He laughed, unsure of why they waited so long as well. “Fuck, I love you so much” Sirius said yet again, inching closer and closer to him, he had this burning need to say it, over and over again. “I love you too- you keep saying that,” He giggled again, he didn’t know why he was saying it so much, but, it felt amazing to hear, so he was by no means complaining. “Making up for last time, darling.” Sirius explained simply, and Remus sighed softly, closing his already halflidded eyes, “Please... kiss me,” he cajoled, and Sirius did just so. They kissed, it was simple, and didn’t last long. But, was significant despite its brevity, and Sirius pulled away, and crooned. “You say please way too much, you know that, right? You should know by now you don’t have to ask to get me to kiss you. If it was up to me, I’d be kissing you like... all the time” He told him, and Remus cocked his eyebrows, but, was very flattered by what he said. “‘By now’? We’ve only been together, what, 2 hours?” Remus inquired, laughing a bit at the ridiculousness of what he said. But, two could play at that game. “Best 2 hours of my life, darling,” He explained simply, but went on. 

“And... ‘Together’? I don’t recall you asking me or me asking you if you want to be together officially. I think someone’s moving a bit fast. And, you should know, I don’t want to take things fast” Through and through, even as teenagers, they were an old married couple. They could go back and forth like this for hours. Remus scoffed, and felt that he would be remiss if he didn’t add an arbitrary eye roll. “You don’t want to go too fast? I’m literally in your bed.” and Sirius laughed at his annoyance. “I’m kidding, love. Will you be my boyfriend?” and Remus couldn’t believe that 1) he was asking him at all and 2) he couldn’t believe that he was asking him in such a way. But, it was strangely fitting considering the rollercoaster of emotions the two of them had experienced that night. “Yes, yes I will” He accepted, it was so unceremonious, but yet so perfect. They liked that it could be simple now, it didn’t have to be painful and secretive ever again. A thought came to Remus as he nuzzled into Sirius’ chest, getting comfortable as he set off to go to sleep, it had been a very long day, and he was so tired. “James’ll see me here once he gets back” He spoke absently, he wondered how his life would change now because he and him were dating. But, that was future Remus’ problem. For now, he would let himself rest, and be happy. “Let him see you here. Not like he’s not gonna here all about it tomorrow.” Sirius told him, smirking to himself. “You’re gross,” Remus laughed, and that was the last thing he said to him that day. He smiled as he felt Remus hold him tighter as he fell asleep, as if he’d ever want to leave. As if he’d ever want to be anywhere else than here. And neither of them did. For the first time in his life, Remus was completely, and utterly happy. And he felt that as long as he fell asleep by Sirius’ side every night, things would continue to be so forever.

**Author's Note:**

> do you ever just think about that one scene in order of the phoenix where they’re sitting and sirius has his arm around remus. cus same! also! friendly fucking reminder the american copies of harry potter were edited to take out some of the homoeroticism from the wolfstar scenes and dialogue! stay woke y’all!!! 
> 
> leave kudos if you’d like!!! ilysm, please stay safe and stay happy during the pandemic, and i am honoured you chose one of my stories to be your quarantine entertainment ♡


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